


Everytime we Touch

by Puella777



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Family, Gen, Humor, Multi, Romance, Slightly Emotional Reader, Thoroughly Confused Reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-04-28 06:25:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5081113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puella777/pseuds/Puella777
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were someone they held dear to their hearts and they would do everything to make you happy. </p>
<p>Set in Season 1</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me...

"His swimming always looks so smooth."  
  
"Yep, like a dolphin!"  
  
You ran towards the others as soon as you heard the splash of the water made by Haruka's dive. You were careful not to fall and slip, a thing that seemed to be normal for a clumsy girl like you. You squeezed yourself in between Makoto and Nagisa, eyes sparkling when you saw your favorite classmate swim beautifully in the pool.  
  
Just then, you heard someone's feet slapping against the wet pavement and the three of you turned to your left to see a red haired guy take position on one of the swimming lanes.  
  
"Who's that?" Nagisa asked, blinking innocently.  
  
"Matsuoka Rin-kun." Makoto spoke up. "He transferred into our class last week."  
  
"He seemed nice when he introduced himself." You added, a smile forming on your face. "He's funny."  
  
You watched as Rin pulled his goggle strap then allowed it to snap back to his head. He took position then fluidly dived, easily catching up with Haruka and even able to pass him. The two of them did a joint lap, returning at almost the same time. You contentedly watched as Makoto held out a hand for Haruka to hold on to.  
  
"Nobody can beat you when you're in the water, Haru-chan." The olive-haired boy said, a gentle smile on his face. It took a few moments for Haruka to react before closing his eyes and accepting the tall male's hand.  
  
"Stop calling me -chan already."  
  
"That was so cool, Nanase-kun!" Nagisa's pink eyes were sparkling as he gushed on about the raven haired boy's style. His wonder was visible in his tone of voice. "I wanna swim like you!"  
  
"No one can defeat Nanase-kun, especially not you, Nagi-pyon!" You interjected, playfully sticking your tongue out at your best friend who whined back in protest.  
  
You noticed Rin emerging from the water, balancing himself on the rope that separated the lanes. He smiled at Haruka with a friendly expression.  
  
"You're as fast as the rumors said." He started. "What was your time?"  
  
"I don't care about my time." Haruka bluntly replied, and you resisted the urge to chastise him for his rudeness.  
  
The redhead blinked in surprise before he started to laugh good-naturedly, not at all deterred with the raven haired male's less than enthusiastic answer.  
  
"That's just like the rumors said, too." Rin said. He then climbed out of the pool, focusing all his attention on Haruka. "Hey, Nanase."  
  
Haruka turned to him with furrowed brows, curious at what Rin wanted.  
  
"You interested in entering a relay with me at the next tournament?" He asked.  
  
You waited for Haruka's reaction and as expected, he turned away from the expectant redhead.  
  
"I only do freestyle."  
  
You grinned as Haruka once again dove into the water, running towards the edge to get a better look at him. You knew that your eyes were shining as you watched the boy swim, and you felt Nagisa and Makoto join you on either side.  
  
"Uwah, I can watch him all day!" The blond sighed dreamily making you nod in agreement.  
  
"Nanase-kun is Nanase-kun, so it's close to impossible to have him on a relay, Matsuoka-san." You looked up behind you where Rin was standing. He shrugged.  
  
"He's clearly someone not used to people forcing him to do stuff." Rin stated with confidence. He then smirked at you.  
  
"He's gonna race in the relay, you'll see."  
  
You frowned, turning away with a pout. Who was he to say those things about Haruka? He's just some cocky new student intent on trying to make Haruka notice him.  
  
"I think [First name]-chan has a point though." Makoto spoke up. "Haru-chan is a hard person to convince."  
  
You stood up, not waiting for Rin to answer. You would rather swim than listen to such useless talks. You positioned yourself then jumped into the water at the same time as Haruka did a lap, and his blue eyes widened as you outstretched your arms in a hug.  
  
"Nanase-kun!"  
  
"...!"  
  
You loved the water as much as you loved your friends. Makoto, Nagisa, Haruka and maybe even Rin.  
  
You hoped that these days wouldn't end. 


	2. I still hear your thoughts in my dreams...

You stared at yourself in the mirror, watching as you lightly combed your [length] [color] hair with your fingers, your [color] eyes blank and without emotion. You reached for a [favorite color] ribbon on top of your dresser and slowly tied your hair into a ponytail on the right side. You did the same to the left one, all the while staring at your reflection.  
  
You were already wearing your Iwatobi High School uniform, the green ribbon tied around your neck signalling your status as a second year. Today was the first day of school and also your first day as president of the Art club.  
  
You closed your eyes and sighed.  
  
Running a hand along your smooth skin, you remembered how rough it was during your childhood. You peered through half-lidded eyes at its pale, almost pallid color and also recalled how darker and more healthy looking it was before.  
  
You bit your lip, turning towards the mirror again. You lifted up the corners of your lips, your facial muscles trembling from lack of use, and watched how you smiled at your reflection but your eyes remained lifeless. When you dropped your fingers from your lips, so did your smile.  
  
Annoyed at how everything turned out, you abruptly stood up and knocked your chair over. You ignored it as you grabbed your bag and rushed down the stairs, simultaneously slipping your feet on your school shoes as you exited your house. You didn't bother calling out your farewells. You lived alone anyway.  
  
"Good morning, Tamura-san."  
  
You almost fell on your face as you heard the familiar yet soothing voice. You stopped and hid behind a pillar, peeking. True enough, there was Makoto talking to an old lady. He looked like he was in a hurry.  
  
"Good morning, Makoto-chan." The lady greeted warmly, obviously taken with the tall youth. She handed him something wrapped in plastic. "Take this with you.""Oh, thanks." He took it with a bow then gave her a small wave as he ran up towards the direction of the shrine. "See ya around!"  
  
"Take care now."  
  
You blinked, and without thinking, started to follow Makoto up the path. You passed the old lady who gave you a smile but you looked away, feeling a blush on your cheeks forming. You heard the lady whisper worriedly to herself.  
  
"That [First name]-chan... She used to be so full of life."  
  
You ignored the painful twinge in your heart and concentrated on running. You watched Makoto pass by a small white kitten, but what you didn't know was that he would backtrack his steps and greet the poor animal.   
  
Green eyes met your own.  
  
Makoto froze as did you. You wanted to escape but found yourself unable to move, feeling that your legs were cemented to the ground. It took some moments but the male seemed to gather his wits and gave a sweet smile.  
  
"[First name]-chan, how are you?" He asked, voice gentle as if he was talking to a child.  
  
You didn't answer and just stared at him. When no one spoke, he tried again.  
  
"Are you here to visit Haru? You can come with me if you-ah! [First name]-chan!"  
  
You chose to ignore him and ran down the steps, almost tripping on a stray stone on your way down. You didn't want to talk to Makoto, the person who was like an older brother to you. But that was before, before everything fell apart.  
  
You continued running away, both from Makoto and from the memories of the past.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Tadokoro Junichi-kun."  
  
"Here." The male on your right answered, and you prepared yourself to be called since your last name was near.  
  
"Tezuka Kaori-san."  
  
"Here."  
  
"[Last name] [First name]-san."  
  
You sighed then raised your hand without saying anything. Rolling your eyes, you tried to block out the sounds of the others' laughter as the teacher called out Haruka's name, treating it as female. It was always like this. Since you could remember, you were placed into a class with Makoto and Haruka, and the teachers would be confused on what gender the two really were. You learned to live with it, but it didn't make it less annoying.  
  
"I'm Amakata Miho, your new homeroom teacher." The teacher introduced herself again for the sake of Haruka, who was absent yesterday. "Nice to meet you."  
  
You turned away.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I heard Ama-chan-sensei is from this area. She went to college in Tokyo and found a job there, but she came back after her dream fell through."  
  
"What was her dream?"  
  
"Beats me. Maybe she wanted to go into music?"  
  
You quietly listened to you two not-so friends talking about their teacher like she was some sort of mysterious person. For you, Amakata was just a random lady that decided to become a teacher as her plan b. The first guy with indigo hair, whom you knew as Kagerou, turned to you with curiosity in his yellow eyes.  
  
"What do you think of Ama-chan-sensei, [First name]-san?"  
  
You shrugged nonchalantly, not really caring. "I don't know. She seems nice."   
  
"You're always so boring [First name]-chan! Live a little!" The second guy said, whom you remembered as Utakata. He was a guy with dark red hair and green eyes that for some reason stuck to you for some years, because like Haruka and Makoto, he was your classmate since elementary.  
  
You ignored him and glanced to your side. Haruka and Makoto were exiting the room, but not before the latter giving you a friendly smile. When Haruka started to turn towards you, you averted you eyes back to your not-so friends who blinked in confusion.  
  
"What's wrong?" Kagerou asked, peering towards the doorway. "Is it Nanase? Or is it Tachibana?"  
  
"It's nothing." You shook your head, willing for them to drop it.  
  
"I remember that you used to be close to them during elementary." Utakata mused, tapping a finger to his chin. "Weren't you in the swimming club? Nanase and Tachibana were there too, along with two more. I forgot their names though."  
  
 _It's Rin and Nagisa._ You thought but didn't say it out loud. You just wanted for these two idiots to stop talking.  
  
Fortunately, Kagerou and Utakata continued to converse about other things, respecting your silence although they were still sitting on your desk. In truth, you liked their presence. It made you feel like you still had friends.  
  
"Hey [First name]-chan." Utakata called you and you looked up to see him smiling. "What do you think of joining the Music club? I could make you the lead vocals."  
  
You couldn't help but smile back. "Whoever said that boys aren't talkative, clearly hadn't met you two. Sorry, I'm in the Art club."  
  
They grinned, and you were thankful.  
  
  
  
  
  
You absentmindedly walked back home after class, eyes trained on the ground. You weren't thinking of anything in particular, so it was safe to say that your mind was literally a blank slate.  
  
The day had gone by without any hitches aside from your brief run-in with Makoto. You hung out with Kagerou and Utakata although you were forced, and was given instructions on how to handle the Art club now that you were going to be its president. The day flew by, and you resigned yourself to the fact that your life was boring. Your parents were gone, your relatives lived far-away and your-  
  
"[Nickname]-chan? [Nickname]-chan!"  
  
You almost fell over with the force of someone jumping on top of you, but that same force prevented it from happening with his arms tightly wrapped around your shoulders. You looked up and your eyes widened as you recognized the head of curly blond hair.   
  
"[Nickname]-chan! It's you! It's really you!"  
  
"Na... gi... sa?" You slowly breathed out, eyes widening as you took in the bright face of your past best friend.  
  
Nagisa basically looked the same but his features became more angular with maturity, and before you would reach his head of blond hair, now you just went to his shoulders.  
  
"When I saw you, I immediately ran here! Then I remembered you live in the same compound as Haru-chan and Mako-chan." He started, voice cheerful as usual. He placed both hands on your shoulders and grinned. "You've grown so pretty, [Nickname]-chan. I bet you look like a mermaid when you swim. Right, Haru-chan? Mako-chan?"  
  
Your breath hitched as you tried your hardest not to meet eyes with the other two with Nagisa. Why today when everything was going so well? Did your following of Makoto up the shrine steps trigger everything?  
  
"Ah, Nagisa..." Makoto hesitantly spoke up, his eyes trained on the younger male although it flickered to you every now and then. "[First name]-chan doesn't swim now..."  
  
"EH?! Why is everyone quitting swimming already? You're just like Haru-chan!" Nagisa exclaimed, shaking your shoulders a little. Just then, his eyes lit up, almost sparkling. "I know! Why don't you come with us to Haru-chan's house? It will be like old days!"  
  
"I don't... I..." You were about to shake your head but Nagisa's pleading face stopped you from doing so. You sighed, not knowing what to do. "Nagisa, I don't want to intrude on anything you three had planned-"  
  
"What's wrong, [Nickname]-chan?" Nagisa's tone had guilt stab you in the heart and you turned away from him. "You seem so cold... You know that we're all friends here right? Swimming buddies-"  
  
At his last words, you snapped. "It's always about swimming with you, isn't it?"  
  
Nagisa stopped talking as he was brutally cut off from his sentence. He looked surprised as he slowly lowered his hands. "[Nickname]-chan..."  
  
"And stop calling me that!" What you were saying was hurting you the most. You didn't want to be this callous towards your ex-best friend but you had to, if only for his sake. "It's been years Nagisa. We're not... A lot happened, okay? Things change, and so do people."  
  
"[First name]-chan..." Makoto started, taking a step towards you but Haruka pulled him back. You bit your lip at the hard look he was giving you but you stood your ground. This was for their own good.  
  
"We don't need someone who treats the past like dirt." Haruka said, voice serious and unforgiving. "Especially not someone who abandons others without hesitation."   
  
"That's...!" Your eyes widened as Haruka expectantly stared at you. He was lying. He wasn't believing what he himself was saying at all. He was waiting for you to deny everything he said.  
  
Haruka believed in you.  
  
Your heart throbbed with affection for the raven haired male and you almost smiled. The corners of your eyes were tearing up but you were strong. You wouldn't cry in front of them.  
  
"I'm sorry. I have to go."  
  
You brushed against Nagisa and was thankful that neither he nor Makoto stopped you. When you were sure that you were a good distance away from them, you brought a hand to your beating heart.  
  
"Stupid Haruka...!" You sobbed.  
  
This was for their sake, and you believed that what you were doing was for the best. There was only one thing to stop the pain from consuming you, however.  
  
You would just stop caring.  
  



	3. Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why...

Nagisa worriedly allowed his gaze to follow your slowly disappearing form as you ran away from them like you were being chased. He turned towards Makoto who was wearing the same expression as him.  
  
"Mako-chan... What happened?"  
  
"I don't know, Nagisa." The tall male sadly muttered, as if he was saying it more to himself then to Nagisa. He then turned to Haruka who was looking over the horizon. "Haru... What you said was harsh."  
  
"It wasn't." The raven haired male said, closing his eyes. "What I said was the truth."  
  
"But still..." Makoto sighed, focusing his attention back to Nagisa. "Like what she said, a lot changed, especially [First name]-chan. It's like she became a different person..."  
  
"There must be something wrong, Mako-chan!" Nagisa exclaimed. You wouldn't just avoid them without a reason.  
  
When he left for his new middle school, you even cried and forced him to promise to come back soon.  
  
Nagisa recalled the sad look in your eyes that although you obviously tried to hide it, still showed. When you were children, you were always expressive to the point that he could read you like an open book, but now...  
  
"Nagisa, let's go."  
  
He glanced up at Makoto who was gently smiling down at him. Haruka was already on his way up the steps. He nodded, but not before throwing a wistful look towards the direction you disappeared.  
  
That look, so full of grief, so foreign on your pretty face.  
  
Nagisa hated it.  
  
  
  
  
  
You threw yourself on your bed, grabbing a pillow and burying your face in it. Your sobs were drowned out by the soft fabric and for the first time, you were thankful that you lived alone.  
  
You remembered the look of shock on Makoto's face, the hurt on Nagisa's, and the disappointment on Haruka's. The thought made you cry harder, wanting to just scream out all your feelings. What you did was terrible, brushing them off like they weren't the ones who made up your happiness during childhood.  
  
They didn't know what you had gone through and it was your choice not to tell them, but you couldn't help but blame them. Through all those years that you suffered alone, they didn't even bother finding out why you were slowly disappearing from their lives. Nagisa and Rin never contacted you when they left, and although Haruka and Makoto were present, they just easily accepted your evading of them.  
  
And now they had the gall demanding answers from you after years of silence?  
  
You continued to cry into the night, and you couldn't help but think.  
  
Everything was too late.  
  
  
  
  
  
 _"I won't be attending middle school here."_  
  
You covered a hand to your mouth as you tried to hold in the gasp that you almost let out.  
  
You were confused why your three classmates were missing for the whole of lunch break and you grew worried. They always ate lunch inside the classroom where sometimes Nagisa would join them, so you thought that maybe the trio picked up the younger male from his room, but when Nagisa came by and asked where they were, you grew worried.  
  
You dragged Nagisa to the place where the group would sometimes hang out and true to your instincts, they were standing under the large cherry blossom tree where your class did your art projects. The younger male was about to call them when you noticed their solemn faces.  
  
You pulled Nagisa behind some trash cans, covering his mouth when he attempted to say something and forced him to crouch down. You made a shushing motion with your finger and he nodded, wide pink eyes full of confusion.  
  
When Rin said those words, you had to use more of your strength to stop Nagisa from jumping out. You were quite surprised that he was rather strong, but you digressed.  
  
You peered from behind the trash cans and saw that both Haruka and Makoto were both staring at Rin in shock.  
  
"Huh? What do you mean, Rin?" Makoto asked, taking a step forward. Rin just continued looking up at the cherry blossom tree like it was the most interesting thing in the world.  
  
"I'm going to Australia." He nonchalantly said, arms behind his head.  
  
"You mean you're going to a different country?" Your olive haired friend continued asking.  
  
"Yep. I'm going to a swimming school."  
  
You saw Haruka suck in a breath and you resisted the urge to stomp towards them and yell at Rin for being so insensitive. You gritted your teeth, fisting your skirt to prevent yourself from knocking over the cans.  
  
"[Nickname]-chan..."  
  
You turned towards Nagisa who looked like he was about to cry, so you placed a hand on top of his curly hair.  
  
"What are you trying to do?"  
  
You closed your eyes at Haruka's trembling voice. You didn't like seeing nor hearing his sadness and you decided that Rin was someone you weren't going to forgive for a long time.  
  
"I'm going to become an Olympic swimmer." Rin's smile could be heard, and you unwillingly softened. It was truly his dream.  
  
"Why didn't you tell us?" You listened as Makoto demanded the thing that you wanted to know. "What about the relay?"  
  
You didn't hear Rin's answer as Nagisa threw himself on top of you, burying his face on his shoulders while sobbing. You wrapped your arms around him as tears started to fall down your cheeks.  
  
You didn't know if you were crying for Haruka, or you were crying for yourself. You didn't want to admit it, but the thought of Rin leaving was hurting you more than it should.  
  
The memory made you sigh. The framed picture that you were staring at brought a smile to your face. They had won the relay, as expected, and you cried hoarse when they did. You traced the smooth surface of the picture frame, fondly grinning at their joyful faces that was captured by the camera years ago.  
  
After wallowing in your self-pity that night, you had decided to sneak in to the old abandoned school building that was going to be destroyed these days.  
  
At first you were hesitant. What kind of person in their right mind would break into an abandoned building that may or may not be haunted without someone with them? But you thought, who cared? Ghosts weren't real anyway.  
  
You hoped.  
  
You were broken out from your thoughts when you heard what seemed like a can hitting the floor and someone yelling. You gasped, pressing yourself into the wall and clutching your flashlight to your chest. That scream was definitely not a ghost.  
  
You let out a pathetic whimper as your imagination grew wild. What if someone was trying to break in to steal stuff? What if it was a rapist and you would be the unfortunate victim. Your body would be found after a few days, rotten and full of worms-  
  
"Is someone there?"  
  
You screamed. A loud, bloodcurdling scream.  
  
You started to slide down the wall, still screaming bloody murder, but two strong arms prevented you from hitting the floor.  
  
"[First name]-chan! [First name]-chan! It's me, Makoto!"  
  
Ease flooded your entire being at the knowledge that the person was not a rapist but the exact opposite, and you couldn't prevent the tears of fear and relief falling down your cheeks. Scared out of your wits, you hugged Makoto with all your might. Stress was taking its toll on you.  
  
"There's nothing to be afraid of. I'm here."  
  
The sound of his voice eased you somewhat and with the feeling of warmth he was providing, you felt so at home in his arms that you closed your eyes to savor more of the feeling.  
  
"[Nickname]-chan! What are you doing here?"  
  
Nagisa's question made you realize the embarrassing position you were in. You felt your face burn with your blush as you pushed away from Makoto, not noticing the red tint on his cheeks to mirror yours.  
  
Shakily standing up, you nonchalantly wiped away your tears like it was nothing. "Nothing. I ust..."  
  
"You don't have to tell us anything if you don't want to." Makoto assured you, making Nagisa whine.  
  
"Eh, but I'm curious on why [Nickname]-chan is here!" But then, he seemed to realize something as he brought his hand to his mouth. "I mean, [First name]-chan."  
  
You turned away from guilt and met indifferent blue eyes. Haruka was his own quiet self as usual that you should have known that if Makoto and Nagisa were there, Haruka should be too.  
  
"Haru- I mean, N-Nanase-kun." You awkwardly greeted him, not forgetting how he showed you with his words that he had faith in you.  
  
"[First name]."  
  
Your heart inwardly soared as you heard your name coming from his mouth. You gave him a small smile to which he replied with a nod, something that was enough for you.  
  
You expected nothing less from him.  
  
"Look!"  
  
You were dragged by Nagisa to stand in front of the picture that you were staring at a while ago, and the blond grinned.  
  
"This is the picture from when we won the relay." He pointed at it then looked at you. "Is this what you were looking at when we found you, [First name]-chan?"  
  
There was no use denying, so you nodded with a blush. You were caught red handed that you still treasured the memories you shared with them. You expected for Nagisa to rub it in your face but you were mildly surprised that he just fondly smiled at you instead.  
  
Since when did Hazuki Nagisa mature?  
  
Nagisa stood up and hesitated for a moment before he took your hand in his, tugging you over to the doorway. You wistfully stared at the back of his head, vaguely hearing Makoto call for Haruka who had seemed preoccupied with staring at the picture frame.  
  
The four of you exited the room with Nagisa still holding your hand. You didn't pull away from him as the gesture brought back memories from the time you two still shared everything together.  
  
"Think the marker is still there?" Nagisa asked no one in particular. You looked behind you and almost giggled when you saw Makoto holding on to the back of Haruka's jacket. He had always been a scaredy-cat.  
  
"Can we pick up the pace a little?" He all but whimpered, looking around with fearful eyes. Just then he stopped, staring down a dark hallway.  
  
Makoto took a step back as a figure appeared, and you furrowed your brows when Haruka's eyes widened.   
  
"Huh? Who's there?" Nagisa asked, turning towards Makoto and Haruka. The olive haired male shook his head.  
  
"I can't tell."  
  
"I didn't think I'd run into you guys here." The unknown male spoke, his deep voice echoing along the halls. He brought a hand to the back of his cap and pulled, letting the strap fall back into place.  
  
A memory of a red haired boy doing the same thing with his swim cap struck you, and you gasped out his name without thinking.  
  
"Rin-kun!"  
  
"Rin!"  
  
"Rin-chan!"  
  
Nagisa released you and bounced towards the red haired male, grabbing his hands. "You're back from Australia!"  
  
Makoto took a step forward, eyes wide in astonishment. "What are you doing here, though?"  
  
You subtly moved closer to Haruka who made no move to greet Rin as Nagisa babbled on about fate wanting them to meet.   
  
You knew of his sensitivity towards Rin, and you couldn't help but bitterly smile. Even after all these years, you were still protective of Haruka. Imagining his sad eyes, you felt like you were being punched in the gut. You hated seeing him in pain.  
  
You grabbed his hand and laced your fingers with his.  
  
You didn't know who was more surprised; you or him. Your cheeks were burning and the back of your neck was heating up, but you stood your ground. When Haruka looked down at you with a startled expression, you smiled up at him.  
  
Since childhood, that was all you could do for him.


	4. Without you it's hard to survive...

Rin's eyes took in your and Haruka's clasped hands, not listening to what Nagisa was spouting about. Just like in the past, the sight of your utter devotion to the raven haired male brought a slight twinge to his heart but he mentally buried the feeling deep down because nothing was more important than his issue with Haruka.  
  
"Haru." He interjected through Nagisa's speech, disregarding the others entirely. "You're still hanging out with these guys?"  
  
He made it sound as insulting as he could, sarcastically chuckling. "You never learn."  
  
Nagisa visibly saddened at his words while Makoto was more confused than dejected.  
  
"What are you talking about, Rin?"  
  
Rin unconsciously glanced at you, your [color] eyes set in a glare. Your soft features were hardened, and it irritated him that whenever it concerned him, you would always look like you could care less.  
  
"And what about you?" Haruka asked, an impassive look on his face. "Have you learned anything?"  
  
"Haru?" Makoto turned his attention towards the male, confounded.  
  
"Nanase-kun, don't-"  
  
Glaring, Rin loudly clicked his tongue making you stop in the middle of your words. You frowned at him but stepped back. Confident that you would maintain silence, he once again turned to Haruka, who didn't seem to mind your death grip on his hand.  
  
"I'm glad you asked. Why don't I show you?" He took off his bullcap and motioned for Haruka to follow him. "Let's race, Haru."  
  
 _And maybe this time, I will..._  
  
  
  
  
  
"Race?" Makoto looked lost and reached out for Haruka who trailed behind Rin without hesitation. "Wait, Haru!"  
  
You tried to pull him back but he shook you off, not knowing how his rejection hurt you. You clutched your hand to your chest, watching as Haruka disappeared with Rin.  
  
Even after all this years, it had always been Rin.  
  
You felt both Nagisa and Makoto pass you to run after the two, but you couldn't bring yourself to move.  
  
There they went, leaving you behind. Rin just arrived, but they already forgot about you. A sullen smile appeared on your face, letting out a dry chuckle under your breath.  
  
This was what you wanted. You wanted them to forget about you, to forget that you even existed. It was better that way, since it meant it would hurt them less, although it would certainly pain you more.  
  
You knew that you were wallowing in self-pity, but who could blame you? When you were a child, you saw the world through rose-colored glasses, that everything was all fun and games, but as time passed by, reality made itself known to you by almost stealing your will to live.   
  
The world was painted black and white, and colors were just illusions to sway the human being from discovering that life was just playing by giving one false hope of happiness. Your belief was cynical, but pessimism prevented you from aspiring that everything could still improve.  
  
"[First name]-chan?"  
  
You looked up at Nagisa who was staring at you, worry etched into his face. Makoto was nowhere to be seen so you figured that he already went ahead to catch up with Haruka and Rin. You felt warmth spreading along your chest. Nagisa stayed behind.  
  
He made sure you were included.  
  
"What's wrong? Tell me. We're friends, aren't we?"  
  
"Past friends."  
  
He froze and you inwardly cursed at yourself for saying such a thing without thinking. You saw how Nagisa forced a smile on his face and tilted his head, placing his hands behind his back.  
  
"W-Well, you can still tell me. As... past friends."  
  
"Nagisa..." You averted your eyes. Why was he so stubborn? It made it harder to continue being so harsh on them. You took a deep breath and faced him with an indifferent mask. "Nothing's wrong. I'm going home."  
  
"What? But it's dark and dangerous if you go home alone!" The blond exclaimed. He then jogged towards you. "I'll go with you."  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
He stopped, his pink eyes wide as your voice echoed along the hall. Your were trying so hard to prevent your tears from falling. You hated this. You were growing weak because of them. You didn't remember crying this much since you were young. You took a deep breath to calm yourself down and stood straight, staring at him.  
  
"Nagisa, don't worry. I can take care of myself. Tell them that I went ahead, okay?" Turning around, you walked away without waiting for his answer.  
  
You knew that he wouldn't follow.  
  
  
  
  
  
"What's wrong? You seem out of sorts today."  
  
You ignored Utakata as he poked at your shoulder for answers. You had your canvas under your arm while the male was carrying your bag where you kept your brushes, pencils and other art materials. You were looking for some place to draw in peace but Utakata was insistent and wanted to come with you because he had nothing else better to do. In your search, you arrived at the back of the school where the trees were thick.  
  
"Look, there are bags under your eyes." He pointed at your face. You slapped his hand away and glared at him.  
  
"I agreed to let you come with me, so it's in your best interest to shut up."  
  
"Oooh, stingy." He pretended to zip close his lips much to your annoyance.  
  
"A ghost, then."  
  
You immediately stopped at the sound of Haruka's voice almost making Utakata crash into you.   
  
"Hey what-"  
  
"Shhh!" You hissed at your companion who continued to stare at you in confusion. You whipped your head around to locate where you heard the voice and let out a sigh when you saw the trio of Haruka, Makoto and Nagisa.  
  
"He wasn't floating though." The blond said. You didn't know what they were talking about but you wanted to just listen to them.  
  
"Doppelganger." Haruka said again.  
  
"Oh, that takes me back!" Makoto exclaimed, eyes brightening. He made some strange gestures with his hands that you couldn't help but smile. "We used to do that at the swimming club! Super Fusion: Doppelga-"  
  
"Keep it down, Makoto." Haruka ordered the male while Nagisa rudely yawned to show that he was bored. The olive haired male stood up in protest.  
  
"What's wrong with you guys?!"  
  
You let out a giggle as you remembered your elementary days, when Nagisa and Rin made a weird move in the water that had Makoto copy everything that the latter two did when swimming. As usual, Haruka had instantly declined joining them.  
  
"That's the happiest I've seen you since the start of term."  
  
You jumped, whirling around to see Utakata grinning down at you. You turned red, embarrassed at letting him see such a private moment for you. The male winked then turned his attention back to the trio.  
  
"I wonder what kind of charm they had to attract a girl like you." Utakata nonchalantly stated. He pointed at something on your left. "Over there. Two girls are watching them. You know them too?"  
  
Curious, you looked to where his finger was pointing and you furrowed your brows. The brunette girl you couldn't recognize but the red haired girl was familiar. The color of her hair and eyes... You sucked in a breath when the memory of a girl clinging on to Rin's arm hit you, and your mouth opened to involuntarily say her name.  
  
"Matsuoka Gou...?"  
  
The girl seemed to hear you as she whipped her head towards your direction with a frown on her pretty face making her friend flinch in surprise.  
  
"I heard someone call me 'Gou'! How many times do I have to-" She gasped as she fully took in your face, recognition dawning upon her. "[Last name] [First name]-senpai!"  
  
You slightly tilted your lips upward. It was nice seeing her although the two of you were not close. For you, she was a fresh face that didn't remind you of the past contrary to the fact that she was the younger sister of Rin.  
  
"[Last name]-senpai." The girl approached you with a polite bow as her friend did the same. Gou smiled at you. "How are you?"   
  
"I've been well." Lying seemed to become a habit for you as you effortlessly told the girl your fib. "I didn't expect you here, honestly."  
  
"Actually, I didn't either." Gou replied, then gestured towards her friend who was looking at you with something akin to admiration in her eyes. "This is my friend, Hanamura Chigusa. Hana-chan, this is my brother's friend, [Last name] [First name]."  
  
"A-Ah, nice to meet you, [Last name]-senpai!" Chigusa bowed at you, and you giggled in amusement at how cute they were.  
  
"Nice to meet you too, Hanamura-chan. You two can call me by my first name, though." You gestured towards your own... Friend? Acquaintance? "This is Utakata... Sorry, I forgot your last name..."  
  
You saw how Gou and Chigusa stared at you with a weird expression while Utakata dramatically sighed.  
  
"I can't believe you! We've known each other for years yet...!" Utakata just shook his head then grinned at the two younger girls. "The name's Nishimoto Utakata. Please, don't forget it."  
  
The two awkwardly bowed at him before Chigusa turned to you with a timid smile. "A-Aren't you THE [First name]? The artist that painted 'Ever Blue'?"  
  
You widened your eyes in surprise, feeling quite embarrassed and pleased that someone knew her as 'the artist' instead of 'the lonely girl'. Not many people were interested in the arts, anyway.  
  
When you nodded, Chigusa seemed to forget how to speak as she just gazed at you with sparkling eyes. Gou also stared at you in surprise.  
  
"You're a painter, [First name]-senpai?" She clasped her hands in front of her. "Onii-chan did mention that you were great at drawing."  
  
"Rin... mentioned it?" You didn't know that. Yes, you were friends in the past but more often than not, the two of you were butting heads over something trivial for the sake of argument. Gou rapidly nodded.  
  
"Onii-chan talked about you a lot back them, so I figured you were close." She brought a hand to her mouth. "W-Weren't you?"  
  
Not wanting to embarrass the girl, you forced out a laugh and hoped that it didn't sound fake. "Don't worry. We were close."  
  
"It seemed to me that Rin had a crush on you back them." Utakata spoke up, poking your cheek. You pushed him away.  
  
Since when did Rin talk about you? It was hard to believe since you got the vibe that the male disliked you, judging from his constant glares and teasing.  
  
 _"What's that? Some kind of fruit?"  
  
You pouted as Rin rudely pointed at your drawing of a person. You crouched down to hide your paper and glared at him.   
  
"It's not a fruit! I'm drawing Nanase-kun!"  
  
"Ha? Nanase?" Rin raised an eyebrow as tried to take your paper. "It looks like a watermelon to me!"  
  
"It does not- hey!"  
  
You made a grab for the paper but Rin snatched it from under your nose. He took a pencil and started to edit your drawing.  
  
"If you want this to look like Nanase, it should have this, and this, then this..."  
  
"MATSUOKA!"_  
  
  
  
  
  
"This is Nanase-kun's house."  
  
Gou nodded at what you said, subtly studying the humble home of the person that might be the key to her brother's sudden change. She rang the doorbell, but no one answered. Gou turned to you then noticed how you were nervously fiddling with your school bag.  
  
"Do you want to go, Senpai?" She asked and you instantly nodded, an apologetic smile on your delicate face.  
  
"I'm sorry, Kou-chan, but I have things to do and I don't want to disturb."  
  
You made a move to leave but stopped. Gou turned to see what distracted you and came face to face with two of her brother's old friends, Makoto and Nagisa.  
  
  
  
  
  
"So you also chose Iwatobi High School, Gou-chan."  
  
"Don't call me Gou. Everybody calls me Kou."  
  
You gazed off at the sea, vaguely hearing Gou and Nagisa argue about names and such. Makoto was standing beside you, amusement etched on his kind features as he watched the younger ones 'enjoy' themselves.  
  
You wondered why you agreed to come with them to talk, since you were adamant at ignoring them. You rolled your eyes at your indecisive attitude, forcing yourself to accept the fact that you just couldn't stay away.  
  
"But what were you doing at Haru's house?"  
  
At Makoto's question, you turned your attention back to Gou who looked rather guilty. She scratched her cheek while looking away with a sheepish smile.  
  
"Oh... I wanted to ask him about my brother."  
  
"So Rin is really back from Australia?" The olive haired male asked and you resisted the urge to sigh. What did he thought, that the Rin you saw last night was an apparition?  
  
"He returned last month and he's attending Samezuka Academy now." Gou explained. "It's a boarding school, so he hasn't come home."  
  
"Isn't Samezuka an all-boys school?" When the girl nodded, you smirked. "Well, well. How about that."  
  
Before Gou could ask what you meant, Makoto laid a hand on top of your shoulder but didn't take his eyes off of Gou.  
  
"Samezuka? The swimming powerhouse?" He asked, eyes wide.  
  
You glanced at Nagisa who seemed uncharacteristically quiet and saw that he had a slight grin on his face. That meant that he had something up his sleeve.   
  
As Gou and Makoto continued to talk, you hesitantly walked towards Nagisa who looked up as you approached.  
  
"[First name]-chan?"  
  
"Whatever your planning, don't drag the others into it." You whispered, placing your hands on bent knees so you could level with him. "You don't want the others to get into more trouble, do you?"  
  
You expected him to laugh at you or maybe even ignore you, but you didn't expect him to give you such a gentle smile that you swore that your heart skipped a beat.  
  
 _N-Nagisa...?_  
  
"You still know me so well, don't you, [First name]-chan?" He muttered, tilting his head at you. You blushed, not used to his seriousness, and backed away.  
  
Nagisa grinned at you before interjecting into Gou and Makoto's conversation.  
  
"Hey! Let's get Haru-chan and go to Samezuka!"  


 


	5. Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling...

In the end, you didn't accompany the others to Samezuka Academy. You thought that Nagisa's suggestion was stupid, and you preferred to keep your school records clean and stain free. Also, you didn't want to be a criminal. You had a strange feeling that the blond haired male had the makings of a thief or something.  
  
Gou had also decided not to go with them, as she mentioned that she had curfew. You had eyed her, confirming your suspicions that she didn't want Rin to see her when she tried her best to not meet your probing stare.  
  
Nagisa had whined that you come, but fortunately, Makoto managed to convince him to leave you alone by reminding the former that Samezuka was an all-boys school. It had seemed like the blond had an epiphany as he instantly had a change of heart.  
  
"Nobody will touch [First Name]-chan as long as I'm alive!" he had exclaimed with fire in his pink eyes.   
  
You sighed at the memory, a small smile appearing on your face. Nagisa was really an enthusiastic person and you couldn't help but be cheerful in his bright presence.  
  
"What are you thinking about, [First Name]-senpai?"  
  
Gou was innocently blinking at you and you turned red, embarrassed at being caught spacing out. You sheepishly shook your head with a slight chuckle.  
  
"Oh it's nothing. It's just that Nagisa's still amusing after all these years," you said, averting your eyes to stare at the ground, "still the childish Nagisa..."  
  
It was meant to be for your ears only, but you had underestimated Gou's hearing. She peered down at you with her red eyes and you almost backed away, your heart hammering as you thought for a moment that it was Rin narrowing his gaze at you.  
  
"K-Kou-chan?" you nervously stuttered her name. Gou could be quite scary when she wanted to.   
  
"I'm sorry if I'm butting into your affairs, senpai, but I find your attitude weird," Gou confidently stated. You should have been annoyed with her out of line curiosity, but you saw that not only was she asking from genuine interest, but there was worry on her pretty face that shouldn't be there.  
  
She shouldn't worry about you. Gou was blissfully unaware of your bitter feelings towards her brother and the others, and you wanted it to stay that way. You really liked her, as she seemed to be poles apart from Rin's personality, and you didn't want her to become entangled with your messed up life.  
  
You smiled at her and she blinked in surprise. She didn't seem to expect that you would do that.  
  
"Kou-chan, there are things that you don't have to know, for your sake," you whispered the last part. Yes, this was for the best. Gou would just get hurt in the end.  
  
Gou didn't reply and turned away to stare at the road before her. The sun was almost fully set, the starry night sky making its way to cover the beautiful orange hue. You also gazed ahead, waiting for her to say something. Maybe she would lash at you for not telling, or she would leave you to go home by yourself and wouldn't speak to you ever again.  
  
"Did something happen between you and the others?"  
  
Her voice was soft, almost comforting. Your heart twinged at the gentle tone she used and you were scared to open your mouth in case you would cry. It had been a long time since someone spoke to you in such a tone, and you figured, it wasn't a bad thing.  
  
"A lot happened back then," you replied back after a few moments, inwardly congratulating yourself for keeping your voice steady. You summoned up your brightest smile and turned to Gou. "I like you, Kou-chan."  
  
She would understand.  
  
The redheaded girl slowly looked at you, her bottom lip trembling. She must have felt the emotion in your last words, her eyes turning misty. She returned your smile with one bright one of her own, maybe even brighter.  
  
"I like you too, [First Name]-senpai."  
  
The two of you walked home in comfortable silence.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Nagisa didn't really listen to the teacher's scolding of them, but he made sure that he apologized at the right time in case he got caught having his mind wander around. When he, Makoto and Haruka exited the staff office or lounge or whatever it was, his eyes widened to find you on the floor, no doubt waiting for them to come out.  
  
"[First Name]-chan?" it was Makoto that spoke, his face also full of surprise. "What are you doing here?"  
  
You immediately stood up, face red, and started to play with your fingers, a mannerism that you had since you were kids. You only did that when you were nervous or embarrassed.  
  
"I... I wanted to know what happened at Samezuka," you muttered and they had to strain their ears to hear your voice. You were pouting, and Nagisa couldn't help but give you a large grin. You blushed harder, but a timid smile was on your lips now, "and I wanted to know if you got scolded."  
  
You were a whirlwind of emotions, but that was what endeared you to him in the first place. During your elementary days, if Haruka, Makoto and Rin were close, for some reason, it was you and him that clicked although he was almost a year younger than you. You spent your days together, playing, swimming, or just plain talking about random things that held no meaning. Nagisa had known you like the back of his hand, and that was why he was the one who was hurt the most when you decided to shun them and leave your friendship behind you. He wondered, but he didn't want to pressure you.  
  
"We got scolded, alright," Makoto sheepishly chuckled, tilting his head, "Even though it was the second time, I still feel queasy. I don't want to become used to this."  
  
You started to giggle, bringing your hand to your mouth, and Nagisa felt his heart skip a beat. He had always loved it when you laughed, and he hoped that you would keep on doing so. He knew there was still a chance to mend their relationship with you, even if it was just friendship.  
  
He would be contented with that, as long as you were beside him.  
  
Nagisa made a sad face and started to bury the feelings that he thought was long gone.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ama-chan-sensei wasn't much help." Nagisa sighed, making Makoto do the same.  
  
"I wonder how that fish saying goes..." you didn't know what the olive haired male was talking about, but you knew that they were confused because of your young female teacher.  
  
"Haru, do you know...?"  
  
The three of you looked back to face Haruka but instead was met with air. Makoto's eyes widened.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Haru-chan's over there." Nagisa pointed in front of you, and true enough, he was already outside the locker rooms some feet ahead of you. You sighed.  
  
"As expected of Nanase-kun."  
  
Makoto let out a defeated breath, "When did that happen?"  
  
"Ah, Gou-chan!"  
  
You turned towards the other side, and indeed there was the redheaded girl walking towards you and you automatically sent her a smile which she instantly returned.  
  
"[First Name]-senpai!" she greeted you before glaring at Nagisa, "I told you to call me Kou!"  
  
"Does it really matter?" the blond blankly asked making Gou gritted her teeth in annoyance.  
  
"It matters! I'm Kou!"  
  
"Gou."  
  
"Kou!"  
  
"Gou."  
  
"Kou!"  
  
"Kou."  
  
"Gou!" then she realized what she just said, "Damn you!"  
  
You couldn't help but laugh. 

 


	6. Cause everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly...

"So you were able to see my brother?"  
  
The four of you were now located at the landing of some stairs. The first thing that came out of Gou's mouth was about her brother, and you weren't surprised at the hope laced in her tone of voice. She must really miss Rin.  
  
"Yeah, about that..." Nagisa started, a disappointed and confused expression on his face, "Rin-chan's so mean! We haven't seen each other for years! And the first thing he does is challenge Haru-chan to a race. He completely ignored me and Makoto. We didn't get a chance to talk about anything."  
  
You allowed yourself to frown, feeling a new sense of irritation for Rin. He was still too obsessed with Haruka that he kept on neglecting the others who cared about him, especially Gou. The worried expression she had on her face was almost reminiscent to when you would worry for Haruka, albeit with lesser familial emotion.   
  
"Have you heard anything from Rin-chan?" Makoto asked. Gou sadly shook her head.  
  
"I've sent him e-mails and called his cell without any luck. I even called his dorm number and nobody picked up."  
  
Nagisa hummed thoughtfully, pouting, "How come Rin-chan's changed so much? Did something happen in Australia?"  
  
"I don't know," Gou muttered.  
  
You started to tune them out, opting to stay silent. Hearing them talk about Rin, it brought pain to your heart, emotionally and physically. He was the important one, everything was all about him.  
  
You bit your bottom lip as all your negative feelings started to swell up again, the jealousy and anger that you let live inside of you. You hated this, since you felt that all of your emotions were so petty, being envious of someone who remained oblivious to your hurt.  
  
Your fists clenched. You wanted to leave, lest you exploded in front of them.   
  
A warm hand landed on your shoulder.  
  
You looked up to see Makoto gently smiling at you, blinking when he gave your shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Your hand unconsciously raised to cover his own, and he slightly leaned down to whisper on your ear.  
  
"Everything's going to be okay," he said, making your eyes widen a bit, "you don't have to worry."  
  
"Makoto...?"  
  
He patted your shoulder then focused once again on the topic at hand. He seemed to hear what the other two were discussing.  
  
"Are you responsible for Rin showing up at the swimming club?"  
  
You watched as Gou started to shuffle nervously, "I wouldn't say that I was responsible..."  
  
What did Makoto mean that everything would be alright? He didn't understand what you were going through but still, it made you feel warm inside that he tried to comfort you in his own gentle way.   
  
Since childhood, the olive haired male was the one that always made things better, making sure that none of you did things that would get you into trouble, mediating between arguments that could potentially escalate into shouting matches, and just plain making you feel at ease with just his smile alone. Without him, you didn't know how rowdy the friendship would have been.  
  
Also, you liked him because of his unwavering support for Haruka, softly encouraging him when things went wrong and mildly berating him when he was in the wrong. Makoto was like a guardian angel, willing to go out of his way to make sure his loved ones were safe.  
  
You took hold of his sleeve.  
  
You felt Makoto's surprised gaze on your form but you wouldn't look at him, your cheeks red.  
  
If he was Haruka's strength, than you would try to see if he would be yours, too.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Are you sure about this? We won't be doing this by ourselves," Makoto spoke, looking up at Haruka with a concerned expression.  
  
Nagisa had managed to rope you all into making a swimming club, much to your chagrin. You had immediately denied to join them, much to nobody's surprise. The blond had proceeded to appease you by saying that you didn't need to join and that your support was enough to get them going. You had felt guilty, so you volunteered to help in any way you could as long as you wouldn't swim. Nagisa had been ecstatic and you knew that Makoto and Gou were also.  
  
Now the four of you were at Haruka's house. Makoto wanted to ask for the black haired male's opinion and to you didn't think that he would agree.  
  
"You're expected to join the club," the olive haired male added, a final attempt to make Haruka's decision.  
  
Haruka still continued to nonchalantly dry his hair as he just came out from the bath. His eyes were closed when he answered, like he couldn't care less, "I know."  
  
You ignored Gou's obvious fangirling at Haruka's muscles as you leaned forward on your knees. Of course, that didn't mean his naked body didn't have an effect on you. You were still a normal girl after all, but your worry for him got the better of you.  
  
"You don't need to join if you don't want to, Nanase-kun," you said, concern laced in your voice, "We're not forcing you or anything."  
  
You could feel the weight of the others' gaze on your form and you blushed in embarrassment. You knew what they were thinking. They were obviously curious on why you seemed more gentle with Haruka than with everybody else, and you inwardly cursed at being so transparent. You leaned back and glared at the floor.  
  
"Nevermind. Forget I said anything."  
  
It was some time before Haruka opened his bright blue eyes, giving you a barely imperceptible nod of his head, "Like I said. I don't mind."  
  
You looked up and met his gaze, giving him a small smile. You never really knew how to act around Haruka since you started to distance yourself from the group, unlike during your childhood when you had no qualms of throwing yourself on him with naive enthusiasm. You averted your eyes again.  
  
Nagisa broke the slightly awkward spell, "Oh, yeah. Haru-chan wasn't with us the other day." he gestured towards Gou who went back to ogling Haruka's body, "This is Rin-chan's sister."  
  
That seemed to snap her out of her stupor as she took a more formal stance, "H-Hello. It's been a long time."  
  
"Matsuoka," Haruka started, and the four of you widened your eyes in anticipation, "Kou."  
  
Gou beamed and you hid your smile behind your hand. She was still childish, in some ways.   
  
As they started to talk, you once again spaced out without really thinking about anything. It was somewhat a habit of yours since you learned of your-  
  
You shook your head, unconsciously trying to what happened to you back then. Going back to your previous thoughts, spacing out and keeping your mind blank helped you in feeling nothing. Without thoughts, you could forget about everything that made you sad, the bitter memories that kept haunting you from the past.  
  
"[First Name]-senpai was your classmate back then right?"  
  
You came back to earth when you heard your name being said, realizing that Gou, Nagisa and Makoto were looking at you. The redheaded girl was holding a photograph in her hand. You tilted your head in question, and she showed the picture to you.  
  
"Ah yes, I was at the stands when they took that," you let out a smile, remembering that day, "Good thing to, since Rin had decided that pushing all your friends in the pool was a good idea."  
  
Makoto's eyes widened in recollection, a chuckle escaping his lips, "You're right! I forgot about that part! I was shocked when he did that!"  
  
"Yeah, you should have seen Haru-chan's face," Nagisa interjected, leaning back with a laugh, "he had looked ready to murder Rin-chan! But in the end, his love for water prevailed!"  
  
The four of you laughed. It was nice, just being carefree without any problems to worry about. If only everyday was like this, then...  
  
"Oh, so is this the first time Rin's come back to Japan since he left?"  
  
You sucked in a breath at Makoto's question, the glee you had felt vanishing immediately as you turned towards Haruka's figure in the kitchen area. You noticed his shoulders were tense, and you were afraid of what he must be feeling right now.  
  
"Eh? He came back every year for New Year's."  
  
At Gou's confused reply, you carefully stood without anyone noticing since Nagisa reacted in a rather loud way. You padded towards Haruka and stopped when you were beside him, looking up at him through worried eyes.  
  
Inside, you were mentally berating yourself for letting your weakness get to you. Haruka was... He was...  
  
Before you could say anything, he turned his attention towards you, his expression blank as usual, but you could almost feel the tension on his shoulders.  
  
"It's fine," he muttered, shaking his head, "you don't have to worry."  
  
 _You don't have to worry._  
  
Makoto's voice invaded your thoughts, the scene that took place at the stairs' landing flashing in your mind. What Haruka told you, was the same as what the olive haired male whispered to you, word for word.  
  
Your eyes met gentle green ones, and your heart skipped a beat.   
  


 


	7. Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last...

"Since everyone's on board, I picked up a new club application form."  
  
"You move fast."  
  
You rolled your eyes as you watched Nagisa brightly shoved a piece of paper on Makoto's sheepish face from your perch just a few feet from their group. You had denied their invitation to join them for lunch because you had promised your not-so friends that you would eat your bento with them. Before that, the hyperactive blond tried to convince you to become the fourth member of their club, but you reminded him that you were already in the art club, watching his face comically fall without even a hint of remorse on your part.  
  
"Looks like they're having fun over there."  
  
You turned towards Utakata who was giving you a playful grin. He took a bite from the riceball in his hand and swallowed before he continued.  
  
"You don't wanna join them? We'll be fine just eating lunch by ourselves."  
  
An annoyed frown made its way into your face but didn't answer. Kagerou blinked as he stared at you and the other male with curiosity.  
  
"Am I missing something here?" he asked, jutting out his bottom lip into a pout. "I'm feeling left out. Tell me!"  
  
"Well, the reason [First Name]-chan isn't hanging out with us these past few days is because she went back to her old friends," Utakata smirked at you as you glared at him. Now it was Kagerou's turn to frown at you, a look of childish hurt on his face.  
  
"You mean you don't need us anymore? But [First Name]-chan!"  
  
"Shut up! I'm not replacing anyone," you snapped at the indigo haired male who shrunk back and dutifully started to eat his bento. You flicked a piece of egg at Utakata who dodged while chuckling, "Stop talking about things you don't understand."  
  
But the red head wasn't to be deterred and gestured behind you with his mouth. You turned around and sighed in exasperation when you saw Nagisa waving at you frantically with a wide smile on his face.  
  
"[First Name]-chan! [FIRST NAME]-CHAN!"  
  
Blushing in embarrassment, you gritted your teeth as Utakata laughed out loud and Kagerou shook his fist at the bouncing blond.  
  
"Shut your mouth, Hazuki!"  
  
"Eh? Eh? Why?"  
  
A small yet fond smile made its way to your face. They were so stupid.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Senpai!"  
  
You unconsciously cringed as you heard the now very familiar voice of Gou from behind you, and you sighed. If you met with one of THEM, it was bound that you would keep on meeting the others. You ignored as Utakata and Kagerou exchanged questioning looks as you turned around to face the younger girl who was running towards you.  
  
"Senpai! I'm glad I found you!" she panted as she stopped before you. That was when she noticed your companions and you raised an eyebrow when a subtle frown crossed her features but it was gone in a second that you thought you just imagined it. Gou formally bowed at them a bit, "Nishimoto-senpai and...?"  
  
Kagerou brightly pointed at himself, a wide smile on his face, "Me? I'm Nashimoto Kagerou! Utakata and I almost have the same surname!"  
  
"I see," Gou sheepishly nodded at the energetic male then immediately turned towards you, her aura changing drastically, "[First name]-senpai, do you want to come with me to visit my brother?"  
  
"Rin?" you started, surprised. Didn't you tell her that there was some sort of conflict between you and Rin? "I don't know..."  
  
You felt guilty when Gou's expression fell, and she nervously looked away, "I was hoping that you and my brother could talk and solve your problems."  
  
At that, the guilty feeling instantly melted and was replaced by irritation, and Gou seemed to feel the sudden shift of mood as she took a small step unsure back, "But if you don't want to-"  
  
"I'm sorry about this, but could you start minding your own business?" you softly said, closing your eyes and trying to reign in your urge to lash out with your temper, "I'm already talking to Nanase-kun and the others. What more do you want?"  
  
You felt a hand on your shoulder but you shrugged it off. You stared straight at the younger girl as she stared back with fearful eyes, but she pursed her lips and held her ground.  
  
"This is not all about you, senpai," she said, her brows furrowed and you were taken aback at the confidence that she was displaying, "I'm also doing this for my big brother."  
  
"For..." you didn't know what to say, so you bit your lip and turned away, pushing past the frozen Utakata and Kagerou who had remained quiet during the entire exchange. You purposely slowed down so they could catch up, which they did, flanking both your sides.  
  
"I'm sure big brother misses you too!"  
  
You faltered in your steps but didn't stop. You continued walking down the hallway, almost stomping, and no one dared speak up.  
  
They knew that you wouldn't respond.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The building was as dark as always, but you convinced yourself that you needed to do this.  
  
With a flashlight in hand and phone in the other in case you needed to be rescued, you ignored your fears as you slowly trudged down the rusty halls of the old swim club building. You maneuvered your way towards the room where they kept the old photos of swim teams and thought back to your confrontation with the younger Matsuoka sibling.  
  
You felt bad for showing Gou your less than savory attitude, but you couldn't help yourself. You didn't want to see Rin, let alone talk to him. You didn't like other people dictating you on what to do with your life, and you thought she was crossing the invisible line that you laid down between yourself and your childhood friends. You would face them on your own! Just not now.  
  
Shining the flashlight in the room where your destination was, you almost dropped it as you saw the back of the person you dreaded to see.  
  
"Rin...?" you started cautiously, and you gasped as he whirled around to face you with feral eyes. You gripped your phone as you stumbled backward and you prepared to run away when footsteps sounded behind you and a hand grabbed your arm.  
  
"Wait," a weary voice murmured and you could barely believe that it belonged to the once cheerful and cocky boy that you enjoyed arguing with, "I'm... sorry for scaring you."  
  
You breathed in and out before you lightly pulled your limb away, "It's alright. I'm sorry too, for surprising you."  
  
A scoff, "I wasn't surprised."  
  
You rolled your eyes, resisting the urge to smile. How childish.  
  
"Well, I gotta go, leave you to your devices," still not looking at him, you started to walk away when he spoke again, making you freeze and your heart jumped to your throat.  
  
"How are you doing? You still holding up?"  
  
Warmth spread all over your body as your breathing shortened in short gasps. Tears were threatening to leak from the corners of your eyes as realization struck you.  
  
Was that concern in his voice?  
  
You thought that he forgot, that just like Haruka, you thought that he didn't want it to be his business. Of all the people to ask if you were okay, Rin was the one you least expected to show emotion. The others just told you that it was going to be okay without knowing what was wrong, but with Rin, he actually asked if you were okay.  
  
You released a sob and faced the red haired male, before you burst and threw yourself into his shocked arms.  
  
"Rin...!"  
  


 


	8. Need you by my side...

There were plenty of things that Rin was awkward with, and on top of the list was having a clearly in emotional distress girl who was soaking his shirt with tears and probably snot, but could he push you away? Of course not.  
  
He would never push you away.  
  
Slowly, he hesitantly lifted his hands to lightly wrap around your trembling form, one hand on top of your head and another on your back to rub it in the most comforting way he could manage.  
  
How did it even come to this? He came back to this abandoned building to once again reminisce, to fill the void his father had left him by breathing the scent of faded memories and crushed dreams. He didn't expect that he would encounter you, and that this encounter would lead you into his arms quite literally.  
  
"You don't have to cry about it," he finally sighed, and you sniffed to show that you were listening, "why are you even crying anyway? All I did was-"  
  
"-ask if I'm okay," you interjected, voice muffled by the fact that your nose was buried in his front. You lightly giggled, but not in amusement, "that's exactly why I'm crying."  
  
Rin didn't know what to say and opted to stay silent. This scene was giving him a past memory that was returning to him piece by piece, and it was almost the same as what was happening now.  
  
 _Are you okay?_  
  
 _I'll never be okay._  
  
Your small voice echoed in his mind, the voice of a scared little girl that had no idea what to do.  
  
 _Come here and talk to me._  
  
His own young voice called out to the girl who had earned a place in his heart, eager to give something to her that the others couldn't.  
  
A wry smile appeared on his lips. How ironic, that the last time you saw each other you had ruined his favorite shirt with your tears and now you were doing it again, minus the wailing.  
  
The only sounds that could be heard was your little sniffles and occasional hiccups as Rin continued to pat your back like a small child. He didn't offer words of comfort because he knew that you didn't need them. He could feel how lonely you were, how you wanted someone to hold your hand when you were sad. He didn't like seeing you so broken.  
  
His own broken feelings were enough.  
  
"It's not the end of the world, you know," he said after a few seconds and you had calmed down, "there are still lots to do that you haven't done yet."  
  
"Speak for yourself," you snorted and he rolled his eyes. You pulled away from him and he noticed the barely imperceptible tint of red dusted on your cheeks and across the bridge of your nose. In the pale moonlight, he once again realized something.  
  
You had always been beautiful in his eyes.  
  
He coughed to hide away from the awkward feeling that he was experiencing and he backed away while stuffing his hands into his pockets. He glanced at you fiddling with your phone and flashlight. Your eyes were downcast, and he wanted to make it shine again, the way they used to.  
  
"I'm all ears," he spoke up, nodding at you with feigned indifference.  
  
You looked up at him in surprise, before you gave him a big, watery smile.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They were halfway into finishing cleaning the school swimming pool.  
  
During that time, you did your best with avoiding them, especially Gou because even though you wanted to apologize to her, you had no idea what to say. You easily convinced Utakata and Kagerou to cover for you if one of the swim club members asked for you, and you were relieved that they agreed without asking any questions. It was nice having not-so friends like those two.  
  
When Makoto and the others commissioned the art club into making the flyers for their organization, you had instructed the members that if they asked about you, they would inform them that you had other matters to attend to. Important, life and death matters.  
  
You rolled your eyes. Yeah, like avoiding them was a life and death matter.  
  
It was lunch time, and against your self oath that you wouldn't go near the swimming club, you found yourself making your way towards the swimming pool area. Haruka and the others should be eating their lunch on the roof now instead of lounging around the pool area.  
  
The memory of what happened last night brought a small smile on your face, your eyes hooded. When Rin told you that he was willing to listen, you had given him your best grin and rejected his offer. Unlike in the past when you had thoughtlessly spilled everything to him, you weren't ready to once again lose yourself in front of him. But although you didn't accept his help, you appreciated his concern.  
  
Reaching the gate that separated the pool area from the main campus, you were about to open it when movement caught your eye.  
  
Instantly, you dived to the side out of reflex, your heart beating wildly in your chest. The feeling of your heart being squeezed painfully made you frown as the figure of Haruka dutifully scrubbing the floor made itself known.  
  
He looked so serious at what he was doing, his dark hair moving along with his furious cleaning and his eyes fixed on the spot that he was rubbing with the mop, that you couldn't help but fondly sigh.  
  
When was the last time Haruka was serious with anything? Normally, he was as indifferent as a brick wall, but now...  
  
The urge to talk to him overwhelmed the urge to escape and you stepped out from behind your hiding place.  
  
"Nanase-kun!"  
  
Haruka looked up from his cleaning while wiping away the sweat falling from his forehead. His blue eyes lightened in recognition and he gave you a slight tilt of his head in greeting.  
  
"[First name]."  
  
"You look like you're having fun," you grinned as he just gave you a blank look that showed you how much fun he was having. Roaming your eyes around, you let out a sound of wonder, "Wow, the place looks so pretty. You all did a good job."  
  
Indeed it did. The whole pool area almost sparkled with how clean it looked, and you marveled as you imagined what it took to rid the place of all the wayward nature it once housed.  
  
You sat down the edge of the pool and let your feet dangle, watching as Haruka stared at the floor while lightly moving the mop that he was holding with both hands. The silence wasn't tense and awkward at all, but you really wanted for him to speak to you. You didn't know how to start a conversation now, unlike when you were children when you would just glomp him with all your might.  
  
"You're avoiding us."  
  
Not your idea of a nice conversation but it was a start.  
  
You blinked at him and he blinked back, obviously waiting for an answer. You forced yourself to hold his stare.  
  
"I'm not a member of your club, so it means I don't have to hang with you all everyday, you know," you nonchalantly stated, shrugging your shoulders, "and it's not like I'll be missed. We're all busy and-"  
  
"You're hurting them."  
  
You frowned, "Excuse me?"  
  
"You fought with Kou," he deadpanned, "and you won't see Makoto and Nagisa. It's hurting them."  
  
You were speechless, taken aback with how Haruka was indirectly demanding you for an explanation. You wanted to lash out, yell at him. No matter how much he meant to you, he had no right to ask you on why you were hurting them. Couldn't he see that you were hurting too?  
  
"Nana-"  
  
"They miss you."  
  
You stopped trying to say his name as his words started to sink in. You licked your lips that for some reason was awfully dry, and heat rose up to your cheeks as you glanced at him. You felt nervous all of a sudden as you clenched your fists on your lap.  
  
"Do you..." you gulped, eyes widening, "miss me too?"  
  
He just stared at you and you waited with bated breath for his answer.  
  
He closed his eyes and turned away.  
  
You let out a pained whimper as you prepared to stand up and bolt away when his next words rooted you to the spot.  
  
"You are irreplaceable."  
  


 


	9. Cause everytime we touch I feel the static…

As your eyes met brilliant blue ones, you felt your heart skip a beat at the intense look that he was giving you. It was the same look that made you believe that there was still time, that they still cared.  
  
You knew. You always knew that they never stopped caring. It was just hard to believe with how the years passed by with less than a few conversations between you and the others along with brief glances and awkward noddings of your heads.  
  
You felt yourself flush under his gaze and you lost your willpower to run away. Growing weak at the knees, you all but collapsed on the ground as huge bouts of emotion started to crash down upon you in large waves. You kept eye contact with Haruka whose expression morphed into one of surprise when you fell, and despite the tears that were starting to well up in your eyes, you managed to let out a smile at him.  
  
A genuine smile, and you felt as if the weight of the world was lifted from your shaking shoulders.  
  
"I'm glad," you brought a hand to your mouth to stifle a sob trying to escape. Closing your eyes, you started to laugh, "I'm so glad..."  
  
It was embarrassing, losing yourself with just one word from the male in front of you. You wondered how far you were gone with this feeling of yours, this feeling of wanting his acknowledgement, his attention. You were pathetic, since a big part of your happiness centered around Haruka and how he viewed you.  
  
You felt his wet fingers close around your arms and you allowed him to help you stand up. He steadied you before raising a gentle hand to pat you on the head.  
  
"You," he started, and you watched with wide eyes as he turned away with an embarrassed frown, "you've always been there for me."  
  
His words, as usual, made your heart flutter. Your smile widened until you started grinning. You didn't care if you looked like an idiot. You were happy. Very happy.  
  
Because for the first time, Haruka admitted that you were important, someone that was like no other.  
  
Boldly, you took his hand from your hair and placed it on your heated cheek, hoping that he wouldn't reject the gesture. You saw his eyes widen again as he turned to you and you gave him your brightest grin.  
  
"Thank you so much."  
  
And with that, you released him and hurriedly ran away, feeling giddy and excited and just plain ecstatic.  
  
 _Haruka, Haruka, Haruka!_  
  
As you disappeared from his sight, Haruka lowered his hand that remained midair when you escaped and he flexed his fingers a little. Then his eyes softened and a small smile curved his lips.  
  
"She's happy again."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Kou-chan."  
  
Your heart dropped as you noticed Gou stiffen when you uttered her name before she glanced at you with an unsure expression.  
  
"[First name]-senpai," she regarded you, her voice small.  
  
Guilt found its way into your stomach as you watched her fidget awkwardly, and your resolve to apologize strengthened. It was you who pushed her away, you who was at fault, so you would do everything to earn her forgiveness. Your words to her had been harsh but you knew that Gou would wave off your apology with a happy smile. She was pure, someone who wasn't exposed to the realities of the world and you wanted to preserve that despite the inevitable moment when she would learn that not all that glitters were gold.  
  
"Kou-chan," you started and swallowed the lump that formed in your throat, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I never should have gotten mad at you."  
  
She stared at you with wide eyes, her expression a perfect replica of Haruka's earlier one. She didn't say anything so you found it alright to continue.  
  
"You were just trying to help and I condemned you for that. I was an idiot to do so," you met her eyes and you almost sighed in relief when you recognized the emotions swimming there. Gou was already forgiving you.  
  
As expected, her shoulders started to loosen and you could practically feel the tension dispersing from her body and you yourself relaxed. You didn't even know that you were almost as frozen as the younger girl.  
  
"I understand, senpai," she gave you bright smile before it softened into a hesitant one, "also, it was wrong of me to force you to meeting my brother. I should've asked for your opinion first."  
  
You placed both hands on your waist before you stood up to your full height, feeling a hundred times better. Today was such a wonderful day.  
  
"Well, no use crying over spilt milk," you mentally wondered if you used that saying correctly but that wasn't important, "what's done is done. Let's just hope that no fighting is gonna occur any time soon, right?"  
  
Gou nodded cheerfully. She peered at you from beneath her eyelashes as her smile turned mischievous, "Did something happen that made you so happy today, senpai?"  
  
Your thoughts immediately drifted back to what transpired earlier, your hand on top of his, his palm warm against your cheek, his surprised expression as you gazed up at him...  
  
Your hands flew up to your burning cheeks in a speed that made Gou back away in alarm. After the heat of the moment, you couldn't believe you just did that! What would Haru think about you now? What would the others? You had clearly defiled Haruka's innocence from all things pertaining to feminine emotions and you didn't want that. Sure you wanted his attention ever since you were a little girl, but you didn't want him to change. You were aware that what you did might open his eyes to his long-lost dormant hormones and would start to notice other girls besides you and Gou, and that was unacceptable. You would loathe the day he paid attention to other girls. Your heart might just break into a million pieces.  
  
"S-Senpai-"  
  
"Nothing happened!" you exclaimed before awkwardly laughing while waving your wrist nonchalantly, hoping that Gou would drop the issue.  
  
But this was Gou that you were speaking to and she was as perceptive as a hawk looking for mice. She slowly smirked at you.  
  
"Oh? You're hiding something, aren't you [First name]-senpai?" she started in a low tone, moving her eyebrows up and down, but as soon as you thought that she would squeeze out the information from you, her smirk softened and sighed, "I learned my lesson though. I won't force anything out of you unless you volunteered info."  
  
You blinked, confused. A moment passed by before you brought a hand to your mouth to cover the snort of laughter bubbling from your throat. You saw Gou doing the same and the two of you started to laugh.  
  
Clearly, the two of you saw each other as gems to be treasured.  
  


****

 


	10. And every time we kiss, I reach for the sky...

You stared at the the large box in your hands, lips pursed and a dark blush staining your cheeks.   
  
As a formal apology for all the trouble you caused them, you had decided to cook a huge bento for their hard work. Haruka and Kou might have forgiven you, but you still hadn't faced Makoto and Nagisa yet. Judging from their personalities, you were fully aware they would easily welcome you back with open arms, and that would just make you guilty to the core.   
  
Remembering your hard work at making the bento, you let out a small smile. You wanted to show them that you cared, that they were still important to you whatever happened. Because of your determination to do your best for them, you had asked Kagerou for help. You had seen the male's intricate and meticulously arranged bento box, and you went for the kill after fighting a bout of hesitancy. You had never asked for anyone's help since you childhood in fear that others would think you were not capable, so approaching Kagerou had been hard for you, but as you knew his weakness, it had been a piece of cake. After a cute girl act with puppy eyes and fluttering lashes, he was eating out of the palm of your hand.   
  
Embarrassment had caught you though as Kagerou cheerfully told you that the cute girl act didn't do him in, but your obvious discomfort at trying to seduce him amused him.   
  
"You didn't have to act like that in front of me. I would have helped you without a second thought! Though your cuteness just melted my heart and I wanted to crush you in my arms earlier-"   
  
He was such a supportive friend, disregarding the latter part of his spiel.   
  
Gripping the bento tightly, you peeked through the small glass window on the door and gave a sigh of relief when you saw them crouched down on the pool with Amakata-sensei sitting on a lounge chair with an umbrella. Watching her, you remembered of your own, and you took it out. You studied the object and bitterly smiled. This was your weapon and your shield. Without this...   
  
Pulling the door open, you opened your umbrella and took a step outside. They didn't notice you at all as they were busy covering and rendering the tiny cracks scattered around the walls. You walked further in until you stopped besides your teacher. The pretty woman immediately gave you a welcoming smile.   
  
"[Last name]-chan," she greeted, "I haven't seen you in a while. Busy week?"   
  
You didn't want to tell her of your almost fallout with the group, so you just politely smiled with a nod. "Yes, the art club was pretty chaotic. They tried to make me recruit Nanase-kun because of his Picasso-like talent."   
  
"Oh? Is Nanase-kun good at drawing?" she looked surprised before she glanced back at the empty pool, "The youth these days are so talented. Persevering, too."   
  
You also gazed at the pool, your eyes softening. "Yeah. They don't give up."   
  
"Senpai!" you turned around to see Gou jogging towards you with a plastic bag in her hands holding canned drinks and your smile widened.   
  
"Kou-chan!"   
  
The younger girl spied the bento in your hands and her red eyes brightened. "A bento? I didn't know you could cook, senpai! Nice! I have cold drinks right here!"   
  
She brought up the bag and lightly shook it before placing it on the floor. You jumped in surprise when she grabbed the box from your hands and innocently smiled at you.   
  
"Before that, you should go help them senpai."   
  
You blinked at her blankly for a moment, surprised from her random suggestion, then your eyes widened as you realized that she was giving you an opportunity to talk to the others. You couldn't help the wave of affection you felt for Gou, and you grinned at her.   
  
"Maybe I will!"   
  
As you went towards the boys with your umbrella, Gou watched you with a fond smile. She really did like you.   
  
"You're a good friend, Matsuoka-chan." Amakata-sensei softly said. Gou shrugged cheerfully.   
  
"She's a good friend too."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
You carefully climbed down the edge of the pool, mindful of slipping. You made sure your umbrella covered every inch of your skin as you hurried over towards Haruka and Makoto. They were busy talking about something while dutifully scrubbing the walls but you saw Haruka glance at you from the corner of his eye. He nodded imperceptibly when Makoto wasn't looking and stood up suddenly, prompting the olive-haired to stop midway in his talking and cleaning.   
  
"Haru?"   
  
You reached them as soon as Makoto raised his eyebrows in confusion at the raven-haired male. He didn't even notice your presence as you crouched behind him. You silently giggled and to make him notice you, you brough the umbrella above his head. When the shade covered him, Makoto worriedly glanced around him, even more confused, before he finally turned towards you.   
  
You watched as his green eyes widen in surprise, not expecting you to even be here. Your heart clenched painfully, vaguely aware that Haruka tactfully left.   
  
Guilt immediately filled you when after his initial confusion, his face brightened, as if seeing you definitely made your day, and you couldn't help your eyes from tearing up. Before you could back out, you burst.   
  
"Makoto, I'm so sorry! I was being a brat, and I was confused and jealous and I didn't know what to do," you started to sob making Makoto panic. He raised his hands, not knowing what to do. Should he hug you? Pat you on the back? Tell her it's okay?   
  
"[First name]-chan, it's-"   
  
It seemed that you decided for him since you impulsively threw yourself on top of him in a sudden burst of emotion and the both of you fell to the ground, the male letting out a yelp of shock. You sniffled as you buried your nose in Makoto's chest, clutching the fabric of his shirt. He stared at you for a few awkward moments before he gently smiled, his heart warming considerably as he wrapped his arms around you, lightly pulling you upward and placing your head in the crook of his neck. He inhaled the scent of your hair and the throbbing in his chest came back full force.   
  
This feeling for you, he had always felt this since your childhood, but he had ignored it. You had Haruka, Nagisa, and even Rin. He hadn't wanted to make things more complicated by joining the fray. He had decided to forget about it, since compared to the others, he had no chance at all to garner your notice.   
  
Throughout your childhood years, he contented himself with just being a friend and that he was okay with it. He pretended too much that he actually believed it himself. He had then realized that the admiration he had felt for you wasn't just that. When you had started to hang out with them, he had started to notice things about you.   
  
Things that weren't supposed to be thought about. He would always chastise himself for it, guilty of thinking about you in that way. But you were beautiful, you were sweet, you were loyal, and he just couldn't help himself. Your support and faith in Haruka was unwavering. Your friendship with Nagisa still obviously there despite the tension. And you still looked up to Makoto although it was clear that things weren't the same.   
  
He was drawn to you but he knew you didn't feel the same.   
  
Makoto was cut off from his thoughts when someone called their names and he turned his head sideways to see Nagisa running over to them, his expression concerned.   
  
"[First name]-chan! Mako-chan! What happened?" the blond asked as soon as he reached them.   
  
Immediately, you clambered to get off of Makoto and started to babble again, tears rolling down your cheeks in small rivulets.   
  
"Nagisa, everything's my fault! I'm such a brat and you don't deserve all the things I did to you and the others!"   
  
Nagisa blinked. Looking at you now, going on and on about things without stopping, as if he was back in time again. In the past, you were always like this, impulsive and blunt to the point of being insulting, but you would always apologize in the most exaggerated of ways, crying and even throwing a mini tantrum when they would forgive you that they would have no choice but to apologize to her instead. He grinned, crouching down.   
  
"[Nickname]-chan!"   
  
He quickly pulled you into a tight embrace, effectively cutting of your words and air supply. His hug was suffocating you but you didn't care. You returned it full force and started to bawl. Why were they so... They shouldn't forgive you this easily!   
  
"You guys are so stupid!" you cried.   
  
Makoto and Nagisa laughed.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“No luck!”   
  
You watched as Nagisa fell onto his back, obviously tired from all the running around he did trying to recruit more members. You were currently helping Haruka with carving the Iwatobi keychains beside Makoto although he was clearly doing a better job than you. Your specialty was working in a canvas, and sculpting and woodwork weren’t really your thing.   
  
“Nobody wants to join.” Nagisa continued to whine as Makoto hung his head.   
  
“It’s starting to look like we fixed the pool for nothing.”   
  
“Don’t say that!”   
  
Since you turned over a new leaf and promised yourself never to ignore them again, you decided to encourage them as best as you can. “There has to be someone who will join. Iwatobi is a big school. We just have to find him!”   
  
Nagisa and Makoto stared at you until you turned red and shuffled away. You were very awkward with these holding-hands-around-the-campfire things so you would rather go wallow in silence with Haruka. But before you could it far Nagisa grabbed you around the waist and twirled around.   
  
“[Nickname]-chan is really baaaack~”   
  
“Nagisaaa!” you laughed, quickly growing dizzy. How many years had it been since you enjoyed yourself like this? It felt like your heart would burst from your chest and hearing Makoto’s stifled laughter just made it all the more fun. You saw Haruka watching with a soft look in his eye despite his pokerface and your smile grew wider.   
  
You struggled so that the blond could put you down and when he did, you immediately scurried over to where the raven-haired male was, giggling. Your childish side, repressed from all the bitterness you previously embraced, was already showing and you loved every moment of it. You grinned at Haruka who nodded before you took a seat on the floor beside him, making sure your skirt was covering everything that needed to be covered.   
  
Nagisa cleared his throat, “Anyway, it’s time to use our last resort. We have Ama-chan give the shirt off her back for us!”   
  
“How so?” Makoto asked, eyes wide. You shook your head. You definitely knew where this was going.   
  
“Advertise the fact that Ama-chan is our advisor, and tell everyone they’ll get to see her in a swimsuit if they join!”   
  
Makoto deadpanned, “I see. That’s giving up her shirt all right.”   
  
“Excuse me…”   
  
An ominous voice resounded and you immediately turned your back to them, pretending that you were invisible. Amakata-sensei was scary when angered and you didn’t want to face her wrath at all.   
  
As the young teacher ripped them a new one, you continued carving the keychain while ignoring what was taking place behind you. The air between you and Haruka was comfortable and you were glad that the tension that was usually between you two was gone now. You hoped that it could be like the old times, when all of you were so close that your group could be mistaken as siblings.   
  
You lurched forward when Nagisa wrapped his arms around your neck, making your drop the keychain.   
  
“How about you, [Nickname]-chan?” the blond cooed, “Will you show off your body for us?”   
  
“Nagisa!” Both you and Makoto exclaimed, turning red at the same time. The olive-haired male shook his head rapidly.   
  
“Don’t say things like that!”   
  
You playfully punched Nagisa but that didn’t mean you wouldn’t make it hurt.   
  
“Ow~”   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The day had been the best you had so far.   
  
You skipped along the road back to your house after getting some groceries and some cake. You planned to treat yourself by digging into sweets tonight while celebrating the fact that you were friends with Haruka, Makoto, and Nagisa again. Nobody could wipe the smile off your face but then you noticed a figure moving in the shadows. You immediately stopped and turned to stare at it. Your eyes widened when you recognized the silhouette.   
  
“Makoto!” you called, making your way towards him while swinging your groceries and cake box. You smiled at him but it fell when your noticed his distressed expression. He tried to hide it, however, when he forced a smile on his face to greet you back.   
  
“[First name]-chan, what are you doing out this late?” he asked, looking around in concern. “You shouldn’t be walking around at this time of the night…”   
  
“I got cake.” You brought the cake box to your eye level before you tilted your head in question, “What’s wrong? Where are you going?”   
  
You could see that Makoto was hesitating, so you pulled at his sleeve. Green eyes stared at you, as if debating whether to tell you are not. Then he sighed in defeat, giving you another smile that didn’t reach his eyes.   
  
“You can come with me, if you like.”   
  
Of course you agreed. You would do anything to be close to them again.   
  
The two of you walked on a familiar pathway and you wondered why you were going to the place where you used to have your swimming club. As you neared the rundown building, you glanced at Makoto to see his eyes sadden. You felt your stomach drop at the sight. Makoto shouldn’t make that face, ever. It just wasn’t him if he didn’t always have his gentle smile that made you comforted every time you were down.   
  
“Hurts, right?”   
  
You automatically hid behind Makoto’s large body as you heard a voice say those words wistfully. Makoto and you turned around to see a blond man with a helmet smiling while looking at the building in front of you.   
  
“It’s not easy to watch as your memories are destroyed.” The man glanced at the two of you, “Were you two a part of this club?”   
  
Makoto stared at the man as you furrowed your brows. He looked familiar. The man continued babbling, hos words flying over you.   
  
“Well, you can’t go against the times. It’s sad.” “Uwaaah!”   
  
You jumped as Makoto let out a weird gasping sound. You gripped at the back of his jacket, “Makoto?”   
  
“Coach Sasabe?!”   
  
Coach Sasabe? The man who had always been teaching kids to swim in the past? The last time you saw him was when… Your eyes widened and you brought a hand to your mouth.   
  
“It is!”   
  
The blond raised an eyebrow, confused. “Huh?”   
  
“It’s Makoto! Tachibana Makoto!” You watched as the olive-haired male got into Sasabe’s face then pointed at you. You tensed, your lips twitching into an awkward smile. “And that’s [Last name][First name]!”   
  
Sasabe instantly recognized your names as he exclaimed in realization. He then laughed. “Hahaha! You got really big, Makoto! You too, [First name]. You’ve grown well!”   
  
“It’s been too long!” Makoto nodded, his lips pulling up into a nostalgic smile. Your own smile turned into a genuine one as you wiggled your fingers at the man in a wave.   
  
“Well, I work part-time as a pizza deliveryman now. Did you two come here for one last glimpse?” Then his smile turned teasing, “Or are you two on a date? My, my, I didn’t expect this development at all.”   
  
“You’re wrong!” you exclaimed, blushing furiously. Makoto sheepishly shook his head, a hint of red on his cheeks.   
  
“Um, Coach Sasabe, is that why you’re here?” the olive-haired male attempted to divert the topic. Fortunately, Sasabe took the hint but not before wiggling his eyebrows up and down. You stuck your tongue out at him.   
  
“I thought I’d drop by on my way from a delivery. Are the other boys doing well?”   
  
Makoto nodded, “Yes. We go to the same school as Haru and Nagisa.”   
  
“Are you still friends with Rin?” the man asked and you blinked. Makoto turned away.   
  
“Yes… he goes to another school though.”   
  
Sasabe continued with his interview and you had a feeling that you should be elsewhere right now. You backed away a bit, hoping that you could get inside the building undetected as the two continued talking but you were too slow when Sasabe called you.   
  
“[First name]!” You froze and slowly turned towards the two males. Sasabe was looking at you in question while Makoto had his brows furrowed, “You didn’t tell Makoto about Rin? You remember? Winter of your first year of middle school?”   
  
_Crap._ You thought as Makoto’s eyes widened. You looked away, unable to meet his gaze.   
  
Sasabe sighed and shook his head.   
  
“I was closing down the place for the end of the year when Haruka and Rin showed up. [First name] was there too. Apparently, Rin ran into Haruka and [First name] while he was back home.” The blond told Makoto. The younger male tensed and guilt swallowed you again. Telling him honestly slipped your mind.   
  
“Did they have a race?” Makoto asked, already knowing the answer. Sasabe nodded.   
  
“That’s right. And Haruka won easily.” The man’s face fell when he remembered what really happened, as did you. “Rin was pretty upset about it.”   
  
Upset had been an understatement. Rin had been devastated. You had ran to him in worry, placing a hand on his shoulder but he ignored you, keeping his eyes on the ground as tears trailed down his face. When Haruka tried to offer his hand, Rin just stoop up and left. The look on Haruka’s face almost killed you that day.   
  
“Can’t blame him. He went to a swimming school abroad, and it didn’t make a difference.”   
  
Sasabe stopped as he saw Makoto’s expression. “Is something wrong?”   
  
“No…”   
  
You knew that Makoto was piecing the puzzle in his head and you walked over to him. You didn’t dare look up at his face. You felt as if you betrayed him by keeping it a secret, but you couldn’t betray Haruka either. You wondered if Makoto was mad at you.   
  
When he took your hand and squeezed it, your chest lightened.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_**“Rin? It’s me, Makoto. We’re starting up a swim club. So you should join the swim team. We might get to swim together at a tournament.”**_   
  
Rin silently listened to Makoto’s voice message, staring at the ceiling. “Don’t need you to tell me that. I already decided to join the swim team. However,” he narrowed his eyes. “I’m not doing this for a chance to swim with you guys.”   
  
_**“Rin?”**_   
  
His eyes snapped towards the phone as he recognized your voice. It was small, hesitant even, as if you didn’t know what to say. He waited for you to continue, listening to your shallow breaths.   
  
_**“… Um… Good luck on whatever you want to do… and… we miss you.”**_   
  
The line went dead.   
  


 


	11. Can't you feel my heart beat so...

"Eh?" you blinked as what Makoto told you over the phone registered in your mind, "Rin joined the Samezuka swim club?"   
  
**_"That's right. Maybe that meant he actually listened to us that night?"_** Makoto happily asked and you nodded despite knowing that he couldn't see you.   
  
"We actually got through him..."   
  
You felt proud with the knowledge that you guys could still convince Rin even though he acted like he didn't care. If this kept up, your plan to make it up to the others would be a walk in the park. Not only did you want to bring back the lost friendship between you and the others, but you also want to be close to Rin again. Not that you were close in the past. The two of you frequently argued during your childhood.   
  
_It seemed to me that Rin had a crush on you back then._   
  
You immediately stabbed Utakata to death in your head as you remembered what he told you some time ago. He had been teasing you back then so it was obvious that what the words he had been spouting were his attempts to rile you up because he was stupid like that.   
  
**_"[First name]? [First name], are you still there?"_**   
  
Makoto's worried tone brought you back to the present and you immediately quelled his concerns by saying that you were fine.   
  
"I just got lost in my thoughts, don't worry."   
  
_**"If you're sure..."**_ his voice told you that he didn't really believe you but you weren't offended. It was just Makoto being Makoto, always worried about everyone's wellbeing. **_"I gotta go. Haru caught a cold and if I left him alone, you know how he gets. I'll see you tomorrow. Take care, [First name]!"_**   
  
"You too. Bye Makoto!"   
  
You hung up and tossed your phone to the end of your bed and allowed yourself to lean against the wall. It had only been a day since you made up with Haruka and the others but you already felt like you were going back to how you were before your life took a wrong turn. It was actually very refreshing, laughing and enjoying every little thing freely. You wondered what would Utakata and Kagerou think if you cracked a joke in front of them since they knew you to be a somewhat depressing person to be. Your lips quirked up as you imagined their reactions before your mind went back to Rin.   
  
Rin was joining his school's swim team so there was a really high possibility that he and Haruka would meet in some tournament in the near future. You sighed as you realized that Rin's obsession with the raven-haired male was what probably convinced him to join and not because of you and Makoto.   
  
Grabbing a pillow, you curled up in your bed. Whatever his reasons were, it made you one step closer to your goal of rekindling your past relationship.   
  
_It's always Nanase-kun! You're so full of it. Annoying._   
  
Your eyes widened. Where did that come from? In your mind's eye, you saw a younger Rin glaring at you with his fists clenched. Did that really happen? Or was that just your mind conjuring up some weird illusion? Was it reminding you that Rin never really liked you?   
  
His actions when you cried during the past and even now in the present begged to differ. He comforted you, was kind to you. Was it all just an act to lure you into some kind of trap? Was he going to use you to hurt Haruka?   
  
No. You were just paranoid. Rin was maybe a lot of things but he was no user.   
  
Closing your eyes, you drifted off into a deep sleep.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
During break, you quietly followed Haruka to the pool area. He didn't complain about you going with him so you guessed it was all right. You lightly smiled. This was just like the old days when you would stick to the raven-haired male like glue. It was fortunate that Haruka wasn't the type to push people away. Literally.   
  
When he began to crouch on the poolside, you fondly sighed. You should have known what he would do.   
  
Deciding that he needed company while fantasizing about the water, you adjusted your skirt and also crouched beside him. When he lightly sneezed, your smile grew wider. You could just look at him all day.   
  
"I want to swim already."   
  
His voice was in its usual monotone but you knew that was as close as he could get to whining. You reached out a hand to pat his head, something you always did when you were young. Haruka glanced at you and you immediately retracted your limb as you flushed in embarrassment. You were being too bold. You didn't even know if he would allow you to do that.   
  
An awkward silence enveloped the two of you and you slightly regretted your decision to accompany him. You just followed your instincts which screamed, "Haru's leaving! Catch him!"   
  
"Nanase-kun," you muttered, eyes focused on the glistening water. He hummed in response and you figured that he was listening so you continued, "Do you... remember what happened during our first year in middle school... before you raced Rin?"   
  
As soon as you asked that, you instantly wished that you remained quiet when he lowered his eyes. You knew that it was a painful memory for him, yet you forced him to recall it anyway. You suddenly stood up.   
  
"No, nevermind, you don't need to-"   
  
You were about to leave when his hand caught yours, his fingers circling around your wrist. You looked down at him but he was staring at the water. When he tugged you down again, you complied, not knowing what to say. Did he want you to remind him of the past?   
  
"I found you crying."   
  
You blinked at him, actually surprised that he remembered, before you slowly nodded.   
  
"I was crying." you started, wrapping your arms around your knees. The scene played vividly in your mind as you lowered your head to your arms.   
  
_"[First name]."  
  
Your head snapped up and met impassive blue eyes looking down at you. His face was blank but you knew him well enough to notice the slight tilt of his head to signal his confusion. Who wouldn't be when you were slumped on the sidewalk crying your eyes out and snot pouring down your nose.   
  
You used your hands to wipe away the disgusting liquids from your red face before you looked up at him again with a big smile.   
  
"Nanase-kun! What are you doing here? It's snowing, so you're gonna catch a cold."   
  
"You too." he answered, and you were grateful that he didn't ask why you were crying. You weren't sure if you were ready to tell anyone the reason.   
  
You sheepishly rubbed the back of your head, "You got me there."   
  
Haruka just stared at you as if he could see inside of you. You were scared that maybe he knew why you were sad. You closed your eyes and waited for him to call you out, but you were surprised when he pulled you up to stand.   
  
"Let's go home."   
  
Your feet automatically matched his as he led you to where you two lived, his hand not loosening his grip on your own. You silently followed him with wide eyes, not taking off your stare at him, not even when you two stopped right next to the train rails.   
  
When the train passed, you saw Haruka tense and his fingers tightened against yours. You turned to look at where he was gazing and your own eyes widened.   
  
"Rin?"_   
  
And that was when everything started. Haruka beat Rin in the race, and you were there to witness the both of them breaking down. It had been the worst day of your life, seeing your two friends so crushed, learning about your-   
  
"You didn't ask me why I was crying," you whispered, glancing at the stoic male beside you. "Why?"   
  
Haruka took some time to answer, before he closed his eyes.   
  
"You didn't want to tell."   
  
You turned your gaze back to the pool, eyes growing misty. You couldn't stop a tear from falling down your cheek as you released a small smile.   
  
"You're gonna swim soon, Nanase-kun."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
You found Nagisa putting up a poster on the bulletin board while you were walking along the hallway with your two guard dogs. Utakata and Kagerou were talking about one thing or another when you spotted the blond staring at the overly colorful poster with a very serious look.   
  
"Should the posters be flashier?" you heard him mutter to himself. You smiled slightly and were about to approach him when you noticed a blue haired male with glasses coming towards Nagisa's direction.   
  
You didn't know why he caught your eye. He was handsome, yes, but you weren't easily attracted to physical appearance. You were more of a personality person, so it was mind boggling that the unknown student easily stole your attention.   
  
"What are you looking-"   
  
"Shhhh!" you waved a finger in front of Utakata's nose and covered Kagerou's mouth with your hand since you knew the latter would probably call out to Nagisa if he saw him.   
  
Keeping your eyes trained on the unknown male, you stepped backwards, bringing your two confused companions with you. Fortunately, they knew better than to anger you so they remained silent just as you wished.   
  
You watched as Nagisa noticed the male, chasing after him when he turned towards the shoe lockers and calling him by the name Ryuugazaki. You then spied his red necktie, indicating his status as a first year. He didn't look like one though. He was almost as tall as Makoto.   
  
When Nagisa started a topic about swimming, you sighed in exasperation. Of course he would do anything to invite other students to be members of the swim club. You had to hand it to him however. He was definitely a stubborn person, always had been. Nagisa could be very persuasive.   
  
"That Hazuki. Quite commendable don't you think?" Utakata spoke up in a low volume, wary of your earlier warning, "The music room overlooks the field outside. That's Ryuugazaki Rei and he's already a member of the track and field team."   
  
"Then Hazuki's wasting both of their times," Kagerou agreed, smirking. He sheepishly looked away however when you sent him a glare.   
  
"Don't underestimate Nagisa's convincing powers. He could easily get you two to eat dirt if he wanted to," you defended the younger male, crossing your arms with your lip jutting out into a pout. Now that you accepted his friendship, you got back to your past role as his unofficial guardian.   
  
In your childhood, Nagisa had been a rather annoying kid, earning him the ire of his more 'civilized' classmates. Well, as civilized as they could be during that age. They wouldn't dare try to hurt him physically, but words were just as painful as fists. You had been protective of him, easily scaring the other kids with your nails of fury. Despite your cute appearance, you were a force to be reckoned. Even Rin had been wary with you back then.   
  
You ignored Utakata and Kagerou's wide eyed look as you continued watching the two first years. Rei was shooting down Nagisa as fast as you could shoot down Kagerou, and that was saying something.   
  
Just then, an idea came into mind and you whirled around to face a thoroughly confused and slightly scared Utakata.   
  
"You know almost everyone in school right?" when he nodded, you grasped his blazer and started to shake him, "Tell me more about this Ryuugazaki Rei!"   
  
Kagerou and he exchanged a look but you were too fired up to care.   
  
"R-Right. Sure."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"No luck. He wouldn't say yes." Nagisa despaired, looking up sadly, "I think Rei-chan hates the water."   
  
"We don't need anyone like that. Don't let him in the water," Haruka immediately spoke up, as if personally offended. Maybe he was.   
  
"If you say that, nobody will join!"   
  
You and Makoto jumped when the blond slammed his hands on Haruka's desk making the piece of eggroll you were nibbling fall from your mouth. He was really passionate about this.   
  
Nagisa started to go on and on about weight lifting and training without exactly swimming in the water and it seemed to get through to Haruka when the latter started to look sick. You shook your head fondly as you continued to dig into your food, preferring to listen to their plans since you weren't even a member.   
  
**You could, if you want to.**   
  
The voice in your head cooed but you pushed it to the deepest recesses of your brain. You didn't need that.   
  
"Ah, [First name]-chan, aren't you friends with Nashimoto-san and Nishimoto-san?" Makoto suddenly asked you, a smile on his face, "Could they join the swim club?"   
  
You gulped down more eggrolls before shaking your head, "They can't. They're the president and vice-president of the music club."   
  
"Too bad..."   
  
"Let's just have Ama-chan strip into her swimsuit then." Nagisa declared. He then turned to you and you already knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth.   
  
"Say one word and I will punch you so hard your eyes would go through your head."   
  
You could literally see Nagisa and Makoto shiver. Satisfied, you went back to your bento.   
  
What they didn't know was that you had something planned for them. You really wanted to help despite not being in the swim club, so you would do your best with your attempt to get Ryuugazaki Rei join the team.   
  
You smiled and lightly made a humming sound, excited with the prospect of surprising the others.   
  
Lost in your dreamland, you didn't notice the three males look at you with such fondness in their eyes.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Are you sure you don't want to go home with us?" Makoto asked you in a pleading tone and you shook your head, giving him an apologetic smile.   
  
"I still have club applications to review. The art club is getting quite famous now," you effortlessly lied. To appease him, you patted his hand since, "I can go home with you guys tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that."   
  
"If you're sure," the olive-haired male was still hesitating but you shot a Haruka a 'help me' look and the latter quickly got your request.   
  
"Makoto, [First name] can take care of herself."   
  
"But Haru..."   
  
"Ah, I've got to get going! My members would get worried. They can't do a thing without me, you see!" You whirled around and started to run back inside the school building, dutifully pretending that you couldn't hear Makoto's surprised call of your name. You looked back at them.   
  
"I'll see you two tomorrow! Take care!"   
  
As you reached the hallways, you dropped your hands to your knees while panting. You were severely out of shape if you got tired with just running some feet. Frustrated, you scoffed. You didn't want to think about your lack of stamina. You couldn't change a thing even if you spent hours contemplating it.   
  
Deciding to just get on with your plan, you made your way to the back of the school where you knew the track and field club would practice overtime for today, thanks to Utakata's information gathering skills. Rei was supposed to be one of the more talented members, so he must be joining training.   
  
Stepping outside, you thanked the heavens that the sun was already sinking, bathing the whole place with a warm orange glow. Your eyes wandered around before you brightened as you recognized the head of dark blue hair that you knew belonged to Rei.   
  
Making your way towards him, you stopped in your tracks when he proceeded to jump into the air and you gasped. It was so high! How could he go over that bar without sprouting wings and flying?   
  
You thought his form was beautiful and that you could look at it all day, but when his body twitched midair, you couldn't suppress the gasp of surprise escaping your lips as he fell to the mat rather painfully. You remained on your spot when a man, probably the coach, started to talk him. At the look on Rei's face, you figured he was being chastised.   
  
You waited patiently until the man left, pity invading your insides when Rei continued to stare at the ground while slumped against the mat. Making your way towards him, you prepared your best smile, which was kinda awkward for you since you rarely smiled unless you were with VERY close friends. But you had to try.   
  
For the swimming club.   
  
"Ryuugazaki Rei-san." you spoke up and cursed yourself for sounding like a wuss. The male glanced up at you in confusion before his eyes widened and a choked sound came out from his mouth. You were tempted to ask what the hell was happening to him but you had a job to do.   
  
"Ryuugazaki-san, I couldn't help but notice the way you did the high jump," your smile grew genuine as you recalled the graceful way he jumped before epicly falling. You didn't need to pretend to admire that, "It was beautiful! Your form, your movements, they were all so beautiful!"   
  
You wondered how many times you could incorporate the word 'beautiful' in a conversation without sounding retarded.   
  
You waited for him to say something but Rei continued to stare at you with an expression foreign to you. You quickly grew impatient but you couldn't show it. Awkwardly, you tilted your head.   
  
"Um, Ryuugazaki-san?"   
  
"....."   
  
"Ryuugazaki-san."   
  
"....."   
  
"Ryuugazaki-san!"   
  
"....."   
  
You didn't hide your irritation now, letting out a puff of breath in exasperation. You thought this would be easy. But how could you talk to a guy that was looking at you as if you were some foreign alien or something. You waved a hand in front of his face, but when he didn't react, you snapped your fingers. That did it.   
  
Rei jumped in surprise before he sputtered out apologies without stopping that it also succeeded in making you embarrassed. You slowly shook your head.   
  
"It's fine, Ryuugazaki-san." you smiled, "Was I too ugly or something?"   
  
"N-No no! It's not that! You're very be-" he abruptly stopped, blushing like a tomato. He cleared his throat in a last ditch attempt to appear dignified, but both of you knew his pride had already sailed away. "M-May I help you?"   
  
Now was the time to move your plan along! You tried to smile sweetly. Tried being the keyword.   
  
"I'm [Last name][First name], and I just came to congratulate you on a job well done," you started, ignoring how he reddened even further, "and... I have a favor to ask of you."   
  
Some semblance of normality came back to his eyes as he raised his eyebrows, "Yes, what is it?"   
  
"Well, your form was so beautiful, your movements beautiful, your jump beautiful, even your fall was beautiful!" you inserted as many 'beautifuls' as you could, mentally hitting yourself in shame, "I just needed to ask you if you could model for me in a painting!"   
  
There was an awkward silence as the two of you stared each other. Then the both of you blushed hard enough to fry eggs on your faces. You in embarrassment, oblivious to how his heart was beating so hard he was afraid it would burst out from his chest.   
  
Rei cleared his throat again, looking away, "I... I guess it's okay... Senpai."   
  
Senpai. Senpai. Senpai. A male called you Senpai. It was so different compared to when Gou called you that. A wide smile stretched across your face and you giddily clapped your hands like a child. Rei agreed to your proposal and he called you Senpai despite being a head taller than you.   
  
Cloud nine indeed.   
  
"I'll make it as beautiful as I could manage!!"   
  
You were starting to like that word.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
You happily moved your hand, letting the brush gently move across the canvas and allowing the burst of colors to dominate your vision.   
  
Art was your passion. When you had stopped swimming, you had looked for something to keep your mind occupied and your mother had suggested painting. You never really thought about it, but she had a point. You had always liked drawing. There was some joy in your heart whenever you drew on paper. Anything you set your sights on, you tried to incorporate it on the white and smooth surface of paper. Watching the brush stroke on the canvas, it was as if you were swimming again, the same joy you found in the sport was in your art.   
  
"S-Senpai..."   
  
"Yes, Rei-kun?" you started to call him that, slightly enjoying his flustered state when you did.   
  
"I didn't know you meant you wanted to paint me now..."   
  
The sun was already setting, the orange hue of the sky making its way to inky black. You had managed to bribe the school janitor to give you the keys with a few choice words and batting of lashes and the slightly young man was rolling in the palm of your hands. Who wouldn't say that you could give Nagisa competition with craftiness.   
  
You waved a hand nonchalantly. "Don't mind, don't mind, i work fast, so don't worry your little head Rei-kun."   
  
The conversation died down, the only sound was Rei and your soft breathing. The silence was comfortable, until the male decided to break it.   
  
"You had something to ask of me Senpai."   
  
Darn. He was smarter than you thought. Weak to probing stares like his, you Instantly lowered your guard and decided to tell him the truth. You couldn't lie to him any longer. You had lied enough in your life to pay your bills for the next months.   
  
"Look, Rei-kun, I really do want to paint you, and I wasn't lying when I told you you looked beautiful during the high jump," you started and you watched his shoulders fall when you didn't deny the fact that you had an ulterior motive in approaching him. "I'm..."   
  
"A member of the swim club." he finished for you, his tone of voice defeated. You wondered why he looked so depressed. You gently shook your head.   
  
"Actually, I'm not."   
  
"Then why-"   
  
"They're my friends. Nagisa was," you stopped a bit before continuing, "is my best friend. I would do anything, everything, to help him. And they need you, Rei-kun."   
  
Rei stared at you, his violet eyes unreadable. You waited with bated breath for a reaction, heart pounding wildly inside your chest, before it stopped beating when you saw him shake his head.   
  
He quietly stood up and gathered his things, walking away without glancing your way. He slid the door open and stepped out. He was about to close it when he stopped.   
  
"I'm sorry, senpai."   
  
The door closed.   
  
You lowered your brush and palette, watching your unfinished painting. Rei was sitting on a stool with a look of innocent wonder on his face, and you thought the piece looked beautiful in a simple way. You wondered if it would ever be finished.   
  
In the end, you still couldn't do anything to help them.   
  
You slowly brought your hands to your face a sob tore through your body. A tear fell down, and another one, until you found yourself crying.   
  
If only you could... If only you weren't...   
  
"I'm sorry too."   
  
You wanted to swim.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
In the end, you didn't get to go to school the following day.   
  
All the stress from yesterday made you contract a rather high fever and you could barely move without groaning from the pain in your muscles.   
  
Laying down on the bed surrounded by your stuffed animals in case you got cold, you wondered what the others were doing right now. Gou had called earlier to invite you to go with them for a joint practice with Samezuka despite you being absent. You had lied and told her that you had something to take care of, not wanting them to worry. Not long after that, you got a Snapchat from Nagisa, showing a picture of them on their way to Samezuka. Your eyes widened as you noticed the addition to the group.   
  
**Too bad you can't come, [Nickname]-chan! But look, we managed to find a new member!**   
  
You slightly smiled as you studied Rei's indifferent expression while looking at the camera from his place in the back. You quickly saved the picture before closing your eyes, pushing down the envy starting to crawl through your body as you willed yourself to sleep despite your aching limbs.   
  
"I still did nothing for them."   
  
You wished you could have went with them. You wanted to see Rin.   
  
But you had plenty of wishes, and you knew not all of them will come true. 


	12. I can't let you go...

You stared at the paper in your hands, strangely feeling blank despite the knowledge that your life was already sealed with just a few words written.   
  
You just came home from a trip to the doctor which meant you were once more absent from school. It had been a week since Gou told you that they were having a joint practice with Samezuka, and it had also been a week since you went outside other than to buy your maintenance medicine. The others called you relentlessly, especially Makoto and Nagisa, asking if you were alright or if you needed someone to help you in the house. You kindly rejected their offers, not wanting to burden them any further, but you appreciated them nonetheless.   
  
They had actually respected your wishes, not seeing hair nor hide of them near the vicinity of your home. You weren't sad that they never visited you though, as you always see Haruka and Makoto looking up at your window and sometimes staying outside your front porch with Nagisa, Gou, and even Rei. They were worried for you, and that was what mattered to you the most.   
  
Your hand shook as you continued to stare at the paper, unseeing. There were no tears. You didn't want to cry anymore. No matter how many tears you would shed, nothing would change.   
  
Standing up, you carefully laid down the paper on your desk as you walked towards your full-length mirror. You were running on auto pilot now as you stopped and examined yourself in the mirror.   
  
Same dull [eye color] orbs, same pale skin almost white from lack of sun, same small stature that never seemed to grow. This was you, never changing, never would. If only you could be given an opportunity to actually enhance yourself, but life was cruel like that. Sometimes you thought life just hated you. Why would it do this if it didn't?   
  
You deftly plucked at your loose clothes, wondering what you would look like if you were healthier. You would probably appear more like your age, with shining locks of hair and big bright eyes full of vigor. You would probably be more social and could have a boyfriend by now.   
  
Most importantly, you could have been diving and swimming along with the others, feeling the cool glide of the water through your skin, moving your legs and breaking through the current with your fingertips.   
  
"No use thinking about what-ifs and what-could-have-beens now," you croaked, throat dry. You tried to smile, but it came out bitter and forced. You clenched your fists. Why... Why...   
  
Your eyes snapped open and you stopped yourself for going down that path again. You were happy now. You were all together now and nothing could come between you. There was Haruka, Makoto, Nagisa, Rin, Gou, Utakata, Kagerou, Amakata-sensei... Your mother, your father, your younger brother...   
  
You had so many people that cared for you, that enjoyed having you in their lives. You had lost all hope once, and now, with their help despite not knowing about your condition, you had regained it along with your lost happiness.   
  
The corners of your mouth lifted up and you allowed the tears that you were keeping in to fall from your eyes.   
  
A beautiful smile.   
  
"You only live once, and I will live my life to the fullest."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Rin climbed out of the pool with his limbs sore and aching. He could barely hear Aiichiro's compliments and praises over his loud panting. He was so tired and his body needed rest ever since he had started his 15th lap, and now that he had just finished his 20th, he would follow his body's needs to rest.   
  
"Ah Matsuoka-senpai! Here's your towel!"   
  
He caught the towel without looking up from the ground, throwing it over his head as he went towards his bag and started to pull out his clothes.   
  
Ai was silent as he watched Rin move like a well-oiled machine and just like one, his expression was cold. The first year wondered what really happened to the red-haired male that seemingly siphoned his ability to feel any other emotion but anger and irritation. Ai longed to be close to him, to know what he was thinking, and maybe he could actually help the second year go through whatever it was.   
  
Just then, Ai noticed a movement in the corner of his eyes and he turned to look to the side where the doors were located. He blinked as he saw you standing to the side while watching them. It was the first time he ever saw you, and he thought you were quite pretty despite the rather forlorn look on your face. Then he wondered what you were doing here as this was a pool for Samezuka, Samezuka being an all-boys school, and you obviously not being a boy.   
  
"Can we help you with anything?"   
  
Rin glanced up from his redressing to look at the person Ai called out too, slightly confused as to who would train at this hour when he knew that he was the only one who did. His eyes widened in surprise when he recognized you and he immediately let go of his jacket to stride towards you.   
  
"[First name], what are you doing here?"   
  
You smiled up at him cheerfully and he faltered. This was the first time in a while that he saw you smile without crying. But as fast as it happened it disappeared, replaced by a bright blush as you closed your eyes and flailed your arms about.   
  
"Uwaaah! Put on a shirt!" you exclaimed, pushing him on the chest. Then you realized that your skin made contact with his. "Uwaaah! I touched you! And you're wet!"   
  
Rin blinked at you, surprise and confusion etched onto his features. Ai was gaping at you. Who were you that you seemed to be so comfortable with the taller male?   
  
You glared at Rin with your overly flushed cheeks, embarrassed of his naked torso and you tried hard not to look below eye level. Steam almost came out from your ears as a smirk appeared on his handsome face before it broke as he started to laugh. He obviously found it amusing and you wanted to kick him where the sun didn't shine.   
  
"I'm leaving!" you announced, sticking out your tongue at him before turning on your heels. A hand gripped your wrist making you stop on your tracks.   
  
"Don't be such a princess," Rin chuckled, and your heart throbbed as his eyes seemed to twinkle with mirth. This was the old Rin, the Rin you liked the best. He continued, "Stay there and wait. I'm taking you with me."   
  
Rin turned away from you before he remembered that there was another person there with him. He glanced at Ai who was awkwardly standing to the side then he gestured you to the younger male.   
  
"Nitori, [First name]. [First name], Nitori."   
  
"Ah, I-I'm Nitori Aiichiro, a first year at Samezuka! It's a pleasure to meet you [First name]-san!" Ai formally bowed at you and you copied his actions. You didn't want to be rude.   
  
"Nice to meet you too. I'm [Last name][First name], a second year."   
  
"Then can I call you [Last name]-senpai?" Ai's face brightened and you found it quite cute. He reminded you of a less hyper Nagisa. And a more feminine one. You wondered if...   
  
You nodded, liking him more and more, but you needed to know.   
  
"Nitori-kun, are you Rin's boyfriend?"   
  
"EH?!" Ai exclaimed, eyes wide. He turned bright red as he started to wildly shake his head, "NO! I'm not... He's not... I like girls!"   
  
You didn't know why but you sighed in relief at the thought that Rin was very much straight.   
  
**Fwahk!**   
  
A weird sound was heard as an empty plastic bottle was thrown at your face and you sputtered, turning towards Rin who was marching towards you with an irritated look on his face. It was obvious he was angry with your assumption that he had a relationship with Ai.   
  
He grabbed your head and forcefully maneuvered you towards the doors. You tried to push his hand off but he was too strong.   
  
"Owowow let go!" you whined and you felt his grip loosen. He glanced down at you with an eyebrow twitching.   
  
"Then stop being such an idiot."   
  
Ai watched your interaction with Rin and he couldn't help but smile at seeing the latter's relaxed expression. Tonight was the happiest he had seen Rin since he never really smiled genuinely nor laughed out loud, and it was all because of you. Despite only knowing you for less than five minutes, he already had a good feeling that you were good for Rin.   
  
"Oi, Nitori! Hurry up."   
  
"Ah, y-yes!"   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"You're amazing, Matsuoka-senpai!" Ai exclaimed, his eyes shining with admiration for the red-haired male who was drying his hair.   
  
"You should stop talking about how amazing I am and focus on finding your own style."   
  
You kept an ear listening to the two males as you roamed around the room looking at their things. As expected, Rin's desk was neat and tidy as opposed to Ai's. You recalled the days when Rin would scold you and Nagisa when you two left crayons scattered all over the floors. He had this OCD that drove you and the others mad back then.   
  
It was a quaint little room, the design fit for a male. The room smelled like male too and you blushed a little. Rin's scent...   
  
An image of the redhead's naked torso flashed in your mind and you shook your head. What was the matter with you? You never thought this about the others, not even Haruka. Were you starting to become a pervert now that you had decided to live your life to the fullest? Or were you already a pervert to begin with?   
  
You were broken out of your thoughts when Rin grabbed your wrist and pulled you out the room. You didn't protest despite wanting to, then he stopped.   
  
"They haven't been working out."   
  
Rin threw the towel behind him before resuming dragging you out. You glanced apologetically at Ai but you yelped when the redhead tugged at your wrist more forcefully.   
  
He released your hand once you two came out the dorm building and you followed him around as he started to lightly jog. You were about to copy his example but before you could even take one step, he glared at you.   
  
"Sit down." he ordered, gesturing towards the bench behind you. Instantly, you felt your blood boil at his attitude.   
  
"You don't order me around! What's your problem? If you're angry, no taking it out on me!" you crossed your arms, returning his glare full force. Rin stared at you with a frown for a moment before he sighed.   
  
"You can't exert yourself, or did you forget?"   
  
So he was just worried? You felt shame for not appreciating his concern but how would you know since he was acting like a jerk? You turned away.   
  
"I knew that..."   
  
There was a tense silence as you slowly sat down on the bench, watching him stare at the dense trees. He wouldn't meet your eyes so you knew something was wrong and that something was Haruka. You felt the familiar surge of envy at the thought but you pushed it down. You were trying to be a good friend, and being jealous was not a quality of a good friend.   
  
"Rin-"   
  
"Haru and I had a race and I won."   
  
He declared, still not looking at you. You tilted your head in confusion.   
  
"Then shouldn't you be happy that you won?"   
  
"That's not the point. I won, but it wasn't a victory I wanted," he finally looked at you with a frustrated expression, "your swim club's still new, that means they still haven't trained. Their bodies' conditions are poor. Think about it. I won because Haru wasn't training properly."   
  
So that was what this was all about. You didn't know what to say honestly. He was right and you didn't want to lie to him just to make him feel better. Rin himself wouldn't want you to lie to him. He would probably think that you were coddling him.   
  
"That may be so, but shouldn't you use that knowledge to train even harder?" he looked at you in surprise as if he hadn't thought about that and you wanted to roll your eyes, "think of it as an incentive for you to do even better."   
  
You smiled as understanding dawned in his eyes. At least he wasn't close-minded to suggestions and criticism. Now the air between you two were less tense and was starting to feel comfortable again. The quietness was only broken by the rustle of the leaves and you liked how peaceful it was.   
  
"So tell me why you came here," he broke the silence as he came over to stand in front of you. At the reminder, your smile fell and you glanced down.   
  
"I..."   
  
"You obviously came here because you wanted to talk," you were surprised when Rin knelt down on one knee so that you were looking straight into his eyes. There was a pleading look in them that was foreign to you, and it hurt you to see him like this. This was what you didn't want to happen. You didn't want to add to their worries, but you wanted, needed, someone to share your pain.   
  
You were human, and you were selfish.   
  
You came to see Rin. You chose Rin out of everyone else. Rin would understand. He knew pain, hopelessness, and the loss of desire to continue. He would understand.   
  
With trembling fingers, you placed your hand in the pocket of your shorts, his eyes following your movements. You took out a crumpled piece of paper and gave it to him, your eyes wide and tears already threatening to fall.   
  
Confused, he slowly took it from you, smoothing it so that he could read. You watched as his eyes moved rapidly across the paper, horror starting to replace the puzzled expression on his face. He looked up at you so fast that you thought he'd break his neck.   
  
"You've got to be shitting me," he whispered, disbelief lacing his tone of voice.   
  
At that, you burst into tears, fists clenching on top of your thighs. You wanted to scream, to lash out, to curse everything in existence.   
  
Why? Why you of all people? You were young, you still had many things to do, goals to accomplish, and dreams to pursue. Why you? Why only you?   
  
"This isn't... This isn't true, right?" Rin slowly shook his head before clenching his jaw and grabbing your hands, gripping it so hard that both of your knuckles went white, but the pain was nothing to what you were feeling. "Tell me this isn't true..."   
  
You only sobbed harder and he growled before pulling your arms, his fingers digging into your skin.   
  
"Tell me you're lying dammit! SPEAK UP!"   
  
"RIN!" you cried out and he could feel his heart break at the sight of your despair. How could this happen? Why you? You didn't deserve any of this.   
  
"Rin," you whispered like a lost child, confused and scared, "I don't want to die..."   
  
He had no idea what to say. What could he say? He wished he never knew. He wished you never told him. How could he live normally while knowing that someday, any day, you would be gone? His chest clenched painfully as he resisted the urge to cry. You came to him. He had to be strong for the both of you.   
  
Rin reached a hand to the back of your neck, lightly pushing you towards him.   
  
"I'm right here."   
  
He captured your lips in his.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
He kissed you.   
  
Rin kissed you.   
  
Matsuoka Rin kissed you.   
  
You continued to gaze blankly at the pool water's surface as those words plagued your mind like an annoying song you couldn't get out of your head. You were still in shock with what happened last night and you couldn't think of anything else because that was all you could think of.   
  
Why the hell did he kiss you? And why the hell did you reciprocate?   
  
Did he like you? Of course not! Did you like him?   
  
You scrunched your eyebrows in thought. No you didn't. Or maybe you did. You liked him, but was it only like, or was it like like kind of like?   
  
Last night, you and Rin probably kissed for a whole five minutes as you two hadn't known what to do after that big revelation from you. When his lips landed on yours, your automatic response was to kiss back and it was wet. Not passionate wet, but teary wet. It wasn't sweet like what you read in those romance novels. Until now, you could still taste the saltiness of the kiss.   
  
Was it unplanned? Yes, it was. Was it a mistake?   
  
... No, it wasn't.   
  
You blushed as you remembered how he gently tugged you to himself, how his fingers threaded through your hair, and how he caressed the softness of your cheek. You had even wrapped your arms around his neck in an attempt to deepen it.   
  
Were you a loose girl? Would Rin think that you were easy?   
  
"Senpai, are you alright?"   
  
You gave a start and almost fell into the water as Gou tapped your shoulder. You tightened your grip around your umbrella as you nervously smiled at the younger female. Gou tilted her head.   
  
"Did something happen, [First name]-senpai?"   
  
_It's nothing really. I just made out with your brother last night. And slept with him. Not in the perverted sense. Then I woke up in his arms. Totally normal._   
  
"I was just thinking is all, hehe."   
  
She gave you a weird look as she slowly but confusedly nodded. She didn't want to know. She liked you and all, but your uniqueness sometimes transcends even Haruka's.   
  
Just then the two of you heard a rather ominous laugh and you looked to the side to see Rei looking very pleased with himself in his yellow penguin speedo. You forced your eyes to stay on his face as watching anything below chest level freaked you out.   
  
"I finally know the reason," he was saying and you furrowed your brows. What did he mean?   
  
"You know how Rei-kun doesn't know how to swim, senpai? He's been finding out reasons why he can't." Gou explained as she sighed in exasperation. You nodded in understanding, gazing at the younger male. You were interested in what he had to say.   
  
"My swimsuit! This speedo is to blame!" he loudly announced while pointing at his crotch.   
  
Gou blinked blankly while you blushed and fumbled with your umbrella. How could he be so bold with those kind of things? Proudly showing off his...   
  
Both Makoto and Nagisa climbed out from the pool to stare at Rei's... ahem, with unimpressed looks.   
  
"I let you borrow that, right?" Nagisa asked, pouting. "That's kinda mean."   
  
"It is not mean!" Rei yelled and you shook your head. You didn't know he was this passionate.   
  
You tuned out Rei's rant about his swimsuit and went back to staring at the pool again. The kiss was still plaguing your mind and it was starting to drive you crazy!   
  
"[First name]."   
  
"N-Nanase-kun!" you exclaimed his name in surprise. When his inquiring blue eyes met yours, you immediately looked away. You felt guilty all of a sudden and you didn't know why. It was not like you betrayed him or anything. But his opinion mattered so much to you. You wanted to tell him what happened between you and Rin, but doing so you would have to explain to him why it lead to it.   
  
You avoided his gaze, hoping that he would go away when he realized that you wouldn't say anything. Fortunately, you were glomped from behind by an overzealous Nagisa and your umbrella fell from your grip.   
  
_Oh no!_   
  
"[Nickname]-chan! You're coming with us to buy swimsuits! You can try some on for me!" he happily said as he embraced you close to his body. Normally you would feel awkward pressing into a naked male despite that male being a friend, but you were quite preoccupied.   
  
"Sure Nagisa. Just... let... me... go!" you managed to break free from his hold and scrambled to pick up your umbrella. You quickly brought it back up with a relieved sigh. The others stared at you.   
  
"You really love that umbrella, don't you?" Makoto asked in a friendly tone, sensing that something was wrong. You laughed sheepishly.   
  
"Ah haha, yeah..." you said before changing the topic. "Now about that swimsuit..."   
  
The others immediately forgot about the umbrella as you started to plan for the shopping trip.   
  
Makoto's smile melted into a concerned frown before glancing at Haruka. Their eyes met, and they knew something was wrong.   
  
And that umbrella was somehow connected to what you were hiding.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
You dutifully followed Gou around as she browsed through the selections of swimwear, wondering how she could remain so casual while you were awkwardly shuffling behind her while trying hard not to stare at all the males shopping. You couldn't help but imagine what they looked like in each design and that appalled you so much that you longed to go home.   
  
_I should've made some fake reason why I couldn't come like Ama-chan-sensei...' you despaired, shaking your head sadly, but Gou and Nagisa had been adamant with you going._   
  
"It would be less weird for me to be surrounded by a bunch of muscles-I mean, GUYS, if you're with me, [First name]-senpai!" was Gou's reason.   
  
"Even if you don't swim anymore, please please please try on a swimsuit for us! For maximum encouragement and support!" was Nagisa's. You had stared at him.   
  
"Encouragement and support?"   
  
Nagisa winked and your whole face flamed.   
  
You sighed as you listened with half an ear to Rei's rambling.   
  
"Fluid mechanics would tell you that Reynolds numbers and boundary layer theory are the key points, but I believe that the color also plays a psychological role. I'll also need prescription goggles." he studied a pair of goggles with a smile, "Blurry vision may be another reason for my difficulties."   
  
You absently nodded with agreement at what he said last. You seriously doubted that colors affect ones swimming skills, but listening to him rant about things in his usual logical way of talking, it was hard for him not to be endearing.   
  
After the whole fiasco of you lying to Rei, the two of you haven't talked much. You would notice glance at you ever so often but being a coward yourself, you would find things to do away from him. You were fully aware that you were avoiding him, but you did it in moderation so as not to the let the others notice. You would talk to him someday, just not right now.   
  
You scurried away from Rei's line of sight and decided it would be best if you stuck with Haruka as he looked at the swimsuits.   
  
Haruka, Rin's best friend and rival.   
  
"AAAARGH!"   
  
"[First name]-chan?"   
  
You stopped from messing your hair when Makoto's confused voice resounded from beside you. You slowly brought your hands down, aware that most of the shoppers were staring at you from your outburst and you automatically tried to hide behind the olive-haired male's large build.   
  
You were such an embarrassment.   
  
Thankfully Makoto allowed you to hang on to his shirt like a baby duckling following its mother while he followed Haruka around. The latter was looking at a selection that looked suspiciously like that set that he already owned before he took two off the rack.   
  
"I'm going to try this on."   
  
"Oh, Haruka-senpai is also looking to buy a swimsuit." Gou exclaimed and you noticed Makoto's deadpan expression. You wondered why.   
  
"Let's sit down here, [First name]-senpai!" the younger female led you to a small bench that had a perfect view of the changing rooms. You smiled a bit. As expected of Gou.   
  
You watched with a strained expression as Haruka and Makoto modelled the speedos they chose. It was so weird and so embarrassing that you had your hands covering your red face the whole time, only just peeking from the gaps. Not because they looked hot, which they did, but because their choices were... questionable. Rei was modelling swimsuits with outrageous designs while Haruka donned speedos that didn't differ from his usual swimsuits at all. Then the other two remaining decided to try things to, and you lowered your hands when Nagisa and Makoto tried on relatively normal ones.   
  
That was when Nagisa pulled you from the bench to drag you towards an empty changing room and thrusted something in your hands. You only had a second to glance at the black material when the blond all but pushed you inside the stall.   
  
"Try it on, [Nickname]-chan! Call me if you need anything!"   
  
You didn't even get a word in edgewise. With wide eyes, you turned around to stare at your reflection in the mirror before bringing up the swimsuit Nagisa practically forced you to wear.   
  
Your face flared and you swore steam came out from your ears. The swimsuit was actually a two-piece bikini that would barely cover all your lady parts! It was a simple black one that would actually bring out the color of your pale skin, but you would be damned if you show this to the others! To Gou maybe, but to the guys?   
  
Over your dead body.   
  
Looking up at your reflection, you brought up the bikini in front of your body. It had been years since you even touched a swimsuit. Ever since you stopped swimming, you kept everything related to it in a box in your storeroom. You wondered...   
  
You could try it on for just a few seconds and no one will be any the wiser. You would then take it off at the speed of light and tell Nagisa that the size was too big for you.   
  
Taking off your jacket, you tossed it along with your blouse, unbuttoning your shorts and pulling it down your thighs. You hesitated when it came to taking off your undergarments but if you wanted to try on the bikini, you had to.   
  
You unclasped your bra with your eyes closed. You had always been insecure looking at your body, so you avoided mirrors when you were naked as much as possible. You immediately tied the bikini on as soon as you slipped off your panties.   
  
Opening your eyes, you blushed at your reflection, a pretty pink hue covering the apples of your cheeks. You actually looked nice for once. The swimsuit fitted you perfectly, enhancing the curves you usually hid by wearing loose clothes. You had a sizeable bust and firm-looking legs from your time swimming when you were a child. You wondered how you weren't sagging since it had been years since you last stepped into any kind of body of water. Your skin was glowing, and you happily smiled. It was not everyday you actually looked good.   
  
The curtains slid open and you gasped.   
  
"[Nickname]-chan! Are you finished? You're taking a long time-"   
  
Nagisa abruptly stopped as he took in your huddled form in the corner of the stall, cheeks red in mortification. He fondly smiled at you before he stepped in and closed the curtains. He was sensitive enough to hide you from other eyes, and he crouched down in front of you.   
  
"Hey."   
  
You crossed your arms in front of your chest, staring pointedly at a spot on the floor. "... Hey."   
  
"Does it fit well?" he asked, a smile on his face as he tilted his head.   
  
You nodded, not knowing where he was going with this conversation. You knew Nagisa. You half-expected him to pull you out the changing rooms and show you off to the others, but he was surprisingly mellow.   
  
"Can you show yourself to me?"   
  
Stunned, you absently nodded. Nagisa stood up and held out a hand, wiggling his fingers in a silent gesture for you to take it. You slowly took it, and he laced your fingers together just like when you were kids, gently pulling you up. You were speechless with this new Nagisa, this stranger that held you so delicately as if one wrong move would break you.   
  
Nagisa placed a hand on your shoulder and turned you around to face the mirror. You blushed harder when you saw your reflection, you in a tiny black bikini while he was behind you with one hand clasped on your shoulder and the other massaging your fingers. Heat was radiating from his body behind you and you wondered if you were letting off the same kind of heat as him.   
  
"See? You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself." his voice was as sweet as honey and you fought the urge to shiver. "Everything about you is beautiful, [Nickname]-chan."   
  
"N-Nagisa..." you stuttered, not knowing what to say. This feeling, as if a thousand needles were prickling your skin. His hand on your shoulder was making your senses go into overdrive and there was this strange heaviness in your abdomen that felt uncomfortable and nice at the same time.   
  
_You opened your eyes to see Rin gazing at you with an unreadable emotion in his expression. You wondered where you were and why Rin was here, then you blushed as you remembered everything. The kiss, his touches, everything.  
  
You were in his bed with an arm slung over your body. He must be recalling what happened last night too, the revelation you gave him. He must be thinking how he shouldn't have kissed you, shouldn't have even associated with you.   
  
You avoided his stare as you tried to sit up but a hand fisted into your locks rendering you immobile.   
  
"Don't."   
  
Rin gently pulled you towards him as he pressed a kiss on your lips, chaste, innocent, and you closed your eyes at the sensation.   
  
"Let me..."_   
  
Nagisa wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his chin on top your shoulder, his cheek pressed against yours. Such an intimate position, and with your best friend no less.   
  
Rin... and Nagisa... What was happening?   
  
"[First name]-chan? Nagisa?"   
  
Makoto's voice snapped you out from your reverie and you forcefully pushed Nagisa away, pressing yourself against the wall.   
  
"[Nickname]-chan..." his eyes widened at the confused and terrified expression you wore and he could feel his chest tighten. "I... I didn't..."   
  
You were breathing harshly, then as if you were slapped with a realization, you grabbed your clothes and hurriedly put them on, not caring if you were still wearing the bikini. Nagisa just stared at you, frozen in place. When you finished, you shouldered past him and almost crashed into Makoto and Rei. Not looking up to see their expressions, you continued to run away.   
  
Nagisa stared at your slowly disappearing figure from inside the dressing room, feeling strangely hollow inside. He could feel Rei's confused gaze at him and Makoto's accusing one.   
  
"Nagisa-kun, what happened?" his fellow first year asked in a worried tone of voice. Makoto didn't say anything.   
  
The blond bitterly smiled. "Nothing happened."   
  
Nothing would ever happen.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
You ran, not knowing where to go. You kept bumping into things, and you felt like vomiting. You felt sick. You wanted to just lay down and sleep. Your muscles and limbs were weak and you knew that the stress was taking its toll on you.   
  
You reached outside the store and ran, and because you weren't thinking straight, you couldn't see anything. Your mind was screaming at you to just run, run away from everything.   
  
"Geh!"   
  
You successfully crashed into someone, and when you looked up through your tears, you were horrified to see Rin's wide eyes staring straight at you. You glanced over his shoulder to see a surprised Haruka and all your emotions were so jumbled and you were confused and scared and you had no idea what was happening with you and everyone else.   
  
Gritting your teeth, you pushed Rin away from your path and ran from him. When Haruka blocked you from leaving, you didn't think before bodily forcing your way through him. You ignored Haruka calling your name, and if you were more calm, you would have noticed the desperate tone in his voice.   
  
You were so confused. 


	13. Want you in my life...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! On another note, can any of you guess what Rea's condition is? The first one who guesses correctly will have a one-shot (may or may not be a lemon, your choice!) with your favorite Free! character! Come on come on, guessing games are fun! It's quite easy, I think!

"[First name]-senpai! [First name]-senpai!"   
  
"[First name]-chan? Where are you?!"   
  
"Senpai?!"   
  
You tried to block out the sounds from your ears by covering them with your hands, but you could still hear them. You pulled your knees to your chest closer as you gritted your teeth, your whole body trembling and you were close to fully breaking down.   
  
After you escaped from the others, you ran nonstop, your legs protesting and without knowing where to go. Tears blinded your vision and it was a miracle that you hadn't fell over yet with your single-minded attempt to run away. Reaching some sort of park, you had climbed over some bushes and crouched down behind a tree, fervently hoping that no one will find you. You wanted to be alone, to think things through, and the frustration that was slowly reaching its boiling point was making you want to just scream and cry and end it all.   
  
Rin, Nagisa, Haruka, that stupid piece of paper, life, fate, everything...!   
  
"Senpai!"   
  
Your head snapped up in surprise, wide [color] eyes meeting worried purple ones. The male was panting, a hand clutching his knee and the other gripping the bark of the tree's trunk.   
  
"R-Rei?"   
  
"Senpai!" he gasped and leaned against the tree, massaging his forehead. Being an athlete, he must have high stamina and you figured the concern and worry he felt aided to his fast loss of breath. "The others... hah... are looking all over for... hah... you!"   
  
You averted your face and hid them in your arms, not wanting him to see your blotched face. Your nose and the rim of your eyes were red from all your crying, and you had no doubt that you looked positively horrifying. You didn't need Rei, who was obsessed with everything beautiful, see you in this state.   
  
"Tell them I'll go home alone," you said in a muffled tone. "You can all leave first. I'm fine."   
  
When Rei didn't speak for a few moments you thought that he finally went away, but you resisted the urge to flinch in surprise when the bushes rustled and a movement settled beside you. You didn't look up from your arms, but you knew that Rei was sitting just an arm's length away from you. You wondered why he was doing this. You weren't friends, the last time you were together things got awkward really fast, and you were sure that the first year was still mad at you for lying to him. You curled into yourself tighter, fingers digging into your arms.   
  
You could hear his faint breathing as he finally calmed down, and the sound brought to you a sense of peace. He wasn't pressing you on what happened, but you would bet anything that he was curious as heck. You were thankful, and for some reason, he reminded you of Haruka.   
  
Silent, understanding Haruka.   
  
_"[First name]!"_   
  
Fresh tears trailed down your cheeks as you remembered Haruka's desperate call of your name when you pushed him away, the look of worried shock on Rin when he saw your face, and Nagisa's horrified expression when he realized what he had done. The emotions that had been painted on their faces weren't supposed to be there, and it was because of you that everything was going straight to hell. You shouldn't have tried to be with them again! They didn't need you at all! You would just keep on ruining everything!   
  
"I don't know what happened, but Senpai, they deserve an explanation."   
  
"You don't know anything!" you yelled, turning to glare at him but you stopped when you saw his face. "Rei..."   
  
"Yes, I don't know anything. And as far as I could conclude, neither do the others." he said, looking at you straight in the eye. His fists were clenched and you wondered why, why this was affecting him so much. "How would I... How would we know if you don't tell us anything, Senpai?"   
  
You stared at him, throat clenching and chest aching. Rei was right. Of course he was right but still...!   
  
"B-But if I tell... It won't be the same again!" You cried, shaking your head in despair. "I can't... I can't do such a thing to them!"   
  
You remembered that night when you told Rin. Rin's pain, the tears he shed for you, it had been too much. You already regretted telling him. You had no right to burden him with your problems. He didn't deserve the torment that you felt everytime you remembered. If you told everyone... you didn't know if you could handle it.   
  
"If it's something that burdens you so much, all the more to tell them Senpai," Rei muttered, looking down at the spot between his legs. "Friends... help each other. They support each other, be there for the other. Nagisa-kun, Haruka-senpai... and the others... they're your friends right? Even that Rin."   
  
"Th-They are, but..." you had nothing in your defense. Everything he said made sense. The weightlessness you would feel if you open up your heart to them, you longed to grasp with your fingers.   
  
"Trust me, Senpai." Rei glanced at you again with an embarrassed smile. "They would definitely like it if you tell them."   
  
Your bottom lip trembled, gratitude and shame filling you in one. Gratitude for Rei, and shame for being so selfish. Although they didn't deserve the pain, they still deserved to know.   
  
"Rei-san... no, Rei-kun..." you watched as he flushed when you gave him a bright yet teary smile. "Thank you."   
  
Rei blinked before his features softened and returned your smile with his own small one.   
  
"Don't mention it, [First name]-senpai."   
  
The two of you didn't notice the male figure standing behind the tree, red eyes staring at the moving wisps of clouds above him, before he closed his eyes and silently walked away.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
As soon as you arrived back at the store with Rei, you were jumped by an overly worried Gou and Makoto hovered over you like a mother hen. You quickly reassure them that nothing was wrong and that you were fine, only stressed. They were far from appeased, but you figured that today wasn't a good day to tell them. You peered over Makoto's shoulder and found Haruka staring at something far-off and Nagisa giving you a hesitant smile, not knowing if you wanted to see him or not. When you grinned at him, his face brightened and you felt good again. The incident was by no means resolved, but you knew that the two of you could talk it out.   
  
Now, Haruka.   
  
Glancing at Rei who gave you an encouraging nod, you slowly approached the raven-haired male, heart beating so fast that you could practically feel it thumping against your ribcage.   
  
Haruka obviously knew what you wanted because he focused his attention at you, his face a blank mask as usual. You knew the others were watching with bated breaths, but you pushed that thought aside.   
  
"Nanase-kun, I'm sorry." you started, voice barely above a whisper. You waited for his reply and when none came, you bit your lip and glanced at the ground. He was angry, mad at you for daring to push him out of your way.   
  
Your whole body stiffened when a hand rested on your head, softly ruffling your hair with a gentleness that you had never felt before, not even from Makoto. Looking up, your breath caught on your throat when Haruka smiled, his beautiful blue eyes kind.   
  
"You did nothing wrong."   
  
"Nanase-kun..."   
  
"Haru." he interjected, retracting his hand. You were confused at first but at his expectant look, you could feel your chest almost bursting with emotion.   
  
"Haru-kun!"   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"We're going on a training camp on a deserted island and we want you to come with us, [First name]-senpai!"   
  
"It would be so much fun, [First name]-chan!"   
  
You had your chopsticks halfway through your mouth as Gou and Nagisa got in your face with sparkling eyes and excited auras. You could literally see the stars eminating from their excited forms. Rei was standing at the back with a deadpan expression.   
  
Utakata and Kagerou both squeezed their heads to yours to look at the old poster Gou was showing, and Utakata almost choked.   
  
"Seriously?!"   
  
"Just saying Training Camp from Hell is enough to make my stomach churn..." Kagerou whined, backing away. He was indeed looking green on the edges.   
  
Nagisa nodded rapidly and was about to hug you when you automatically leaned away from his hands. Both of your eyes widened a fraction and to dispel the awkward silence that was sure to follow, you turned your attention to Gou whose cheerful gaze held some confusion on your reaction to Nagisa.   
  
"On a deserted island? Uh, I don't know..."   
  
"Come on [First name]-chan! It would be so boring without you!" Nagisa pushed, expertly dodging the earlier uncomfortable scene.   
  
"If [First name]-chan doesn't want to go, you shouldn't force her."   
  
All of you looked up to see Makoto and Haruka walking towards your desk, and you were reminded that you wanted to make it up to them. You gave them all a smile that no doubt made both Utakata and Kagerou gape at you.   
  
"No, no, I'll go! It's been some time since I went out of the town..." you scratched your cheek, a blush forming on your face. "And I want to spend some time with you guys..."   
  
Silence. You wanted to dig a hole and bury yourself in embarrassment, wondering why you said such a thing. You jumped when Nagisa and Kagerou clasped their hands, waterfall tears falling down their eyes.   
  
"[First name]-chan! So cute!"   
  
"Since when did you have such power, [First name]-chan!?"   
  
You clenched your fist in annoyance and Gou felt your temper about to explode so she immediately pulled Nagisa back and pushed Kagerou away that resulted in him falling backwards over a desk. The crash didn't disturb any of you because no one really did care about Kagerou.   
  
"W-Well, I'm glad that [First name]-chan's coming." Makoto chuckled nervously while Haruka just stared at the twitching male on the floor.   
  
You pointedly ignored Utakata's teasing smile as you decided to continue your lunch.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
You walked out the convenience store with a bag of snacks, deftly sucking a lollipop while humming to yourself. You were in a good mood despite the unresolved issues still plaguing your mind.   
  
The one with Nagisa, the kiss with Rin, and your decision to tell everyone the truth.   
  
It helped that what Rei told you eased your worries, that they were your friends and that they would help you through whatever happened. You then wondered if you would tell them during the training camp but immediately thought against it. It would just distract them from their goals and they didn't need that. They were nice enough to include you on what they did despite not being in their club, and the least you could do was support them wholeheartedly.   
  
"Ah, [First name]-chan!"   
  
You instantly smiled as you heard Makoto's familiar call of your name and you turned around to see him and Haruka walking towards you. It seemed like they escorted the others to the station and were just now going home.   
  
Running towards them, you enjoyed the fact that you didn't have your umbrella now since the sun was already setting, and you relished that feeling of freedom.   
  
As you fell into step with them, there was a comfortable silence that you didn't dare break. You liked it with just the three of you, you in between and your two friends on either side of you. You felt protected, and you loved it. The sound of the waves were calming, and it added to the natural atmosphere around you.   
  
It was Makoto that cut through with his soft voice.   
  
"Looks like this camp is going to work out." he started, a smile on his face. "We just need permission from Ama-chan-sensei now."   
  
"Yeah." Haruka nodded, looking at something to the side.   
  
You remained quiet, content with just listening to them and not finding it necessary to join in. You gazed over the ocean, twirling your lollipop between your fingers.   
  
"A training camp with everyone, huh? I'm looking forward to this." the olive-haired male continued, his expression animated. "Oh. Rei's a beginner, so we need to watch out for him. Is he going to be able to handle this? I'm not much of a long distance swimmer myself."   
  
You wondered why you kind of felt that Makoto was rambling but thought nothing of it until you felt Haruka stop on his tracks making you and Makoto look back at him.   
  
"Haru-kun?" you murmured, brows furrowing. Makoto fully faced at the raven-haired male with an innocent expression.   
  
"What's wrong?"   
  
It took a few seconds for Haruka to answer but when he did, you just got all the more confused with what was happening.   
  
"Are you really okay with this?"   
  
"Eh?"   
  
Makoto also looked confused, until Haruka's face darkened.   
  
"The ocean."   
  
You watched as Makoto's eyes widened and his green eyes fogged up. Sadness passed by his features before he smiled.   
  
"I'll be fine. It was a long time ago."   
  
Haruka was obviously unconvinced but he let it go. The three of you resumed walking, but now you were staring hard at the ground.   
  
What? What happened? Was Makoto afraid of the ocean? But why? How could someone who loved swimming be afraid of the water? You resisted the urge to ask, since this was between them. Was this what they felt when you kept everything to yourself?   
  
How could someone as good as Makoto had fears that plagued him? Of all the people that didn't deserve them, Makoto was number one on that list. He was kind, gentle, a natural worrier... He lifted you up when you were down with his sympathetic words and tender looks.   
  
You nodded to yourself before you slowly slid your hand into his. You could feel Makoto's fingers twitch in response and you glanced up at him with your own encouraging smile even though it couldn't hold a candle to his. His green eyes softened in gratitude as he threaded his fingers through your own, holding your hand tightly.   
  
Blue eyes flickered to your clasped hands before they looked away. 


End file.
